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[helen&tony]

Hi
I mean no disrespect to Maggie, as I liked her, so with that :

Thatchers passing reminds me of Jimmy Savilles death.

All the miners are celebrating.






Jimmy Saville greets Maggie Thatcher at the pearly gates. 'What you up here for then?' asks Saville. 'Shafting Miners' she replies. 'Me too' beams Saville

Cheers
Helen

[Ian]

Thatcher was expecting to go to the pearly gates, but ended up in the "other place" instead. Really annoyed, she set about shutting down 3 of the 5 furnaces.....

[Rebiam]

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,
then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive…

BRITAIN #2
You have two cows.
You later discover that one of them is a horse.

[Bob]

Asda daftest ting I heard, Tesco to be a winner.

[helen&tony]

Hi
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.

Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.................................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi ’ us."
.................................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue
made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

......................................................................
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist

"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Cheers
Helen

[brorabongo]

[francophile1947]

Health and Safety advice - don't inhale smoke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-Kk4nZI ... e=youtu.be

[daveblueozzie]

Stuart hall, Freddie Starr, Dave Lee Travis and Max Clifford have formed a band sponsored by Viagra.
They are calling themselves, ONE ERECTION

Stuart Hall is starting a new game show its called, ITS A COCKOUT

[Bob]

Sex With:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=rela ... VsJ2KWHoo8

[daveblueozzie]

First Kevin Webster then Ken Barlow
At this rate the only bloke left in Coronation Street will be Haley Cropper

Looks like the prison service is gonna get a good line up of stars for their panto this year.

Ken Barlow is looking at classic car sites, he looking for a silencer for a minor.

[David Edwards]

When will Rod Hull and Keith Harris be investigated then, they have had their hands up birds arses for years.

[scanner]

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.


He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said:


"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

"That's correct", said the boss.


Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.


The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

[shuttle]

Some bloke came into my petshop earlier.

"Can I have a red and green parrot please. I'm going to a fancy dress party on Saturday dressed as Long John Silver and I really want to look the part."

I said, "I've not got one in at the moment, but I can get you one here for tomorrow morning."

"That's no good!" He said. "I'm having my leg cut off at 9 o'clock!"

[shuttle]

Wayne and Colleen Rooney are naming their new son Klay,
I was really hoping for Macca.

[francophile1947]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.
Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"