Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[shuttle]

‎"I'm going to show you a trick using these snooker balls, I said to my wife. "This will blow you away."

She said, "What's the sock for?"

[bobjay]

THE AUSTRALIAN COMPETITION

AT SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE WAS DOWN TO 2FINALISTS ONE A UNIVERSITY GRADUATE TWO AN OLD ABORIGINAL
THEY WERE GIVEN TWO MINUTES TO STUDY THE WORD AND COME UP WITH A FOUR LINE POEM CONTAINING
THE WORD TIMBUKTU THE UNIVERSITY STUDENT WAS FIRST SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND TREKKED
A LONELY CARAVAN MEN ON CAMELS TWO BY TWO DESTINATION TIMBUKTO.THE CROWD WENT WILD
THE OLD ABORIGINAL CAME NEXT ME AND TIM A HUNTING WENT MEEET THREE WHORES IN A POP UP TENT

THERE WAS THREE AND WE WERE TWO SO I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUKTU WHO WON

[David Edwards]

The Fosters Helpline had a call this morning.
" G'day, fosters helpline Australia, what's your problem cobber"
" Hi guys, I'm in the states with my girlfriend and she has been stung on the minge by a hornet, now her fanny has completely closed up"
" Ah bummer, mate"
" Thanks guys, thats what I thought too, bye".

[shuttle]

I was shopping in Asda today and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic.

I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly kid."

He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there."

I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were his dad."

He said, "I'm not his dad. I'm his mother!"

[Ian]

My wife told me she was going to give up smoking. I don't really believe her. So as it's her day off tomorrow I'm going to go to work and leave the gas on.

[shuttle]

I phoned my wife today and said, "Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."

"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.

I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"

"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"

"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."

[shuttle]

Can't believe the wife didn't like the souvenir I brought her back from London.

If anyone wants a pair of 'Mind The Gap' knickers then let me know

[David Edwards]

So..right there was this guy right, he was a bit mouthy right so they took him.right and nailed him to a log right then hung him up, honest now right.. and when he was dead right..they put him in a cave and rolled a huge stone across right so no one could nick his body..honest now right/then when they went back right he had come back to life and gone...right.."wow did he really" NO...2000 year old april fool.

[Poohbear]

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/04/01/b ... bulgarian/

[helen&tony]

Hi
Take heed:




Cheers
Helen

[Bob]

Brilliant, Helen.

[francophile1947]

One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him.
Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright.
He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster.
The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump".
He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap".
Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it.
The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door.
He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap".
He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash".
Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of Covonia and threw it - and the coffin stopped!

[Diplomat]

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a
sudden.......

'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee..'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in
the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smells like bacon.... ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose
following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and
Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true
friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.

'Jose... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...


Ees

Ees (wait for it)

Ees


Ees (wait for it)



Ees



Eees a ham bush.





Frank (not my creation, found it on a 'ham' radio forum)

[helen&tony]

Hi
I must apologise for the following, Tony just posted it from the other side of the office to my 'puter, and I warn you that the ensuing laughter might cause damage:

Hunting Mishap

A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and
discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.


"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there
was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the
buck shot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.


"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buck shot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister
a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra.

She's going to teach you where to put your
fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

Cheers
Helen

[Bob]

Couple of Youtube vids:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1f_CxjeGNVQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afY4v0y4fL4