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[Muzorewa]

[francophile1947]

Horse meat in a beefburger - that's nothing. I hear they claim to have found camel toes in Primark leggings!

[David Edwards]

The RAC said today " Anyone travelling in this weather should prepare and take the following, A shovel, blankets, a sleeping bag, extra clothing, 24 hrs supply of food and drinks, a torch, de icer, salt, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol, first aid kit and jump leads" so I did, I felt a right arsehole on that bus I can tell you.

[g8dhe]

From a friend on CIX and FB http://www.facebook.com/Design.Design/p ... 8684851966
just be thankful that it isn't a Bongo he was driving in

Dave was not in a particularly good mood after having wasted an entire afternoon, then most of an evening visiting a potential customer and listening to proposals for a new design concept that was neither new nor practicable, nor even - in Dave's mind - really coherent enough to deserve the term "concept"... Why was it that people, customers really, always wanted something that was not quite possible? Why was nothing ever easy?

Dave mused on the injustice of the world as he drove back, alone in the dark.

So absorbed was he by these thoughts that afterwards he couldn't decide if the warning light on the dashboard had been illuminated for some time, or if it had just sprung to life when he noticed it. It was the red glow that he (finally?) noticed and he peered at the dash trying to make out what the symbol was. It looked vaguely like a tea-pot, but the dash was so mucky that the shape was obscured. Ignoring the advice of a long-forgotten driving instructor Dave reached one hand through the steering-wheel and wiped at it a few times.

There was a pop and suddenly smoke issued forth from the Dashboard. He recoiled with a startled squeak and let go of the steering wheel, watching in stunned disbelief for several seconds as the inside of the car filled with darkness. It made no sense - was the car on fire? There was no heat, no smell of burning; no flames. Before he could find a way to rationalise it the smoke, if smoke it was, started to clear, and he was able to see ahead again... The returning view brought with it the realisation that he had been driving without any regard to the road, or the bends and trees and inconvenient ditches that lay in wait for those who drove cars full of smoke. He snatched back at the wheel and simultaneously stamped hard on the brake pedal, resulting in several seconds of exciting gyrations and squealing tyres, culminating in a thump and a few moments of weightlessness as the car left the road before landing again and coming to rest at an odd but possibly not irrecoverable angle.

Dazed, but not badly, Dave took stock of the situation. The car had left the road backwards and appeared to be resting with the rear wheels in some sort of ditch, judging by the slightly elevated view through the windscreen. It seemed unlikely there was any serious damage, there had not been any really expensive sounding moments. He closed his eyes, leaned forward until his head rested on the steering wheel and breathed a sigh of relief.

There was a discrete cough, a clearing of the throat, from the passenger seat.

Dave's head snapped round, and without any conscious control he found himself pushing back against the driver's door, backing away from the impossible... thing... now occupying the passenger seat. The sight was preposterous... In the seat was a... a Genie.

"What the fuck?" spluttered Dave.

"Hello mortal. I am the Genie of the oil-warning lamp. I - "

"What?" interrupted Dave. "You're the what?"

"Salaam. I am the Genie of the oil-warning lamp. I am here to offer you three wishes, oh mortal"

It was too much to take in. With trembling hand Dave slowly reached out and poked an index finger into the naked stomach of the Genie. He expected it to offer no resistance, half-hoped that the image would fade away or retreat like an optical illusion, but no. His finger pushed into the Genie, and it felt like normal flesh; soft, warm and slightly greasy. He withdrew his finger and wiped it on his shirt. Then he made his first mistake.

"Fuck me" he muttered.

When relating this tale in later times Dave was never clear about what transpired in the next few minutes, preferring to gloss over the loss of his first wish with various tales even more unlikely than reality.

However, regardless of the exact details we will resume our narrative with Dave panting and swearing and the Genie readjusting his clothing and checking in the car's rear-view mirror the state of his left eye. It was probably going to develop a remarkable bruise. Dave certainly hoped so.

After an uncomfortable few moments of silence the genie spoke thus:"You have two wishes remaining, oh mortal"

"Two wishes? Two?" Dave spluttered. "You utter bastard! A moment ago it was three wishes! I wish you'd make your bloody mind up... Oh"

The Genie looked thoughtful for a moment, appeared to reach a decision, nodded and then smiled.

"My mind is now made up. I am quite certain you have one wish remaining, oh mortal"

Dave at least had the wisdom to bite back his instant reply. He considered for a moment.

"Bastard"

The Genie looked pleased.

"Well, does it have to be oil-related? Can I wish for, say, world peace? An end to conflict, eternal youth?" ideas began to form... "Success with women? What about Caroline?"

The Genie looked pained, and managed to convey with a sneer and sideways glance at the manufacturer's logo on the steering-wheel that both wishing for world peace and success with anything worthwhile were somewhat grandiose wishes for the driver of a Skoda.

"Be reasonable, mortal. I do have a certain familiarity with oil..." a look of distaste passed across the Genie's face, "... but that is to be expected after several years waiting in a sump. These modern times are hard for those indentured. But with anything else there are other factors and limitations, considerations and restrictions, provisos and requirements - "

"Oh, for fuck's sake! I wish it was simple..." As soon as these words left his mouth he paled. "Oh, shit"

The Genie looked thoughtful for a moment and then smiled.

"You have no wishes left, oh mortal. How much simpler can it get?"And he started fading away, the car filling with smoke and deep, mocking laughter.

"Oh, you utter bastard!" repeated Dave, fists flailing at the smoke impotently. It was all too much; he'd be damned if he was going to be outwitted again. But what could he do? Already the smoke was fading as it rushed back into the dashboard. Dave tried to stop it by placing his hands over the hole, but he couldn't find it - the smoke rushed between his fingers and disappeared, apparently back into the surface.

Already the car was nearly clear, but suddenly he had an idea. Was there time? Flailing around he looked for some container - and wedged in the driver's door pocket was - yes! - a half-empty plastic bottle of coke. Racing against time Dave tore at the lid, managing to unscrew it and shove the bottle into the flow of smoke before it completely cleared. He clapped his left palm over the top of the bottle just before the last threads of smoke reached the dashboard.

There was silence. Dave lifted the bottle, carefully keeping his hand over the top, and peered into the gap above the liquid. Was that a hint of smoke? He shook the bottle.

"Would you mind not doing that?" Said a muffled, irritated and markedly higher pitched voice from behind the dashboard. "It's sticky"

"Aha! Caught you!" Sneered Dave.

"No you didn't" Said the disembodied voice, but with an unconvinced tone.

Dave shook the bottle again.

"Stop that! Look, give me my... my... those... that... back"

"Shan't" said Dave.

"Be reasonable, you can't hold it closed forever"

Dave considered this. There had to be a way... He held the bottle between his legs and picked up the top in his right hand. He considered quickly moving his left hand out of the way and putting the top on, but it seemed problematic. There was an air of expectancy, as if the Genie was waiting for this move.

"Just try it", it said with an air of smugness.

Still holding onto the top, Dave lifted the bottle again and inverted it, so that the coke ran to the bottom.

"What are you doing?" said the voice, but Dave ignored it. The smoke was now trapped above the coke, and with a grin Dave let the top fall into the fingers of his left hand, then slid the hand so that the top was on the bottle and tightened it. Some coke ran out during this process, but the smoke remained. He shook the bottle.

"Now, let's go through this whole three wishes thing again, shall we?"

[francophile1947]

Hi, I'm hosting a charity disco & raffle next Saturday, to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

[helen&tony]

Hi
A note to an agony aunt:




Cheers
Helen

[shuttle]

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

[francophile1947]

Something to ponder :- If quizzes are quizzical . . . what are tests?

[helen&tony]

Hi
I'm known for my dislike of politicians , journalists, and other insidious creatures, and this more or less describes what I think:

An old station-hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly
a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out
the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and
calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3®
cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy
and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man
gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work
you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man
could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to
get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how
working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

Cheers
Helen

[francophile1947]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid.
Can I have a volunteer please?"

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then the Geordies start chanting, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer thinks "Well ok, I think we can give him another chance."
So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds Gazza says, "Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually asks,

"What's 2 plus 2?" Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[billymansell]

When it comes to Gazza it appears truth can be stranger then fiction;

http://www.northamptonchron.co.uk/news/ ... -1-4749680

[briwy]

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’s 
store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was 
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..



What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have 
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was 
starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, 
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I 
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices 
and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that 
it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat 
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally 
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to 
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with 
my story.)




Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog 
food poisoned me.


I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an 
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

 I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was 
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from TESCO’s. Better watch what you 
ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of 
daft things to say.

[Driver+Passengers]

Ironically, the extra calcium may actually help your broken bonios to heel faster!

[briwy]

Still having a bit of trouble after eating one of the Tesco's burgers containing horsemeat. My condition is now stable, I have had the trots but after overcoming a few hurdles, I'm odds on to make a full recovery although the doctor said it was a bit like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted!

If You've been put off Tesco's burgers, try their meat balls!.....They're the dogs bollocks!

To eat or not to eat a Tesco burger?..........That is Equestrian

If you think Tesco's Horse burgers are bad, you should try their quarter pandas..

Tesco are giving treble points on your clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting Monday..The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses.

In response to the revelation about horse meat in Tesco burgers, they have release a statement stating that they also cater for vegetarians.....They said " We are also putting UniQuorn in the veggie burgers"

Went to the freezer to check my Tesco burgers and....THEY'RE OFF...

It turns out that the horses were molested before they were turned into burgers...The police are asking anyone who knew Jimmy Saddle to come forward.

Never eating another one of those Tesco burgers. Bloody things gave me the trots...Hopefully it won't last furlong!

Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

I bought a burger at Tesco's cafe, the waitress said "would you like anything on it?" I replied " a fiver each way ".

I've had it tough lately working on the meat counter at Tesco's......it feels like I'm flogging a dead horse!

Tesco say they're out of stock on Burgers but they've got a fresh delivery coming in at 10 to 1.

HMV Vouchers now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV stands for Horse Meat Voucher.

Had a burger last night, still got a bit between my teeth

Finally.

Findus Neddy Meals

[shuttle]

1. Take egg out of box
2. Stand in boiling water
3. If at this point you have burnt your feet then quickly seek medical assistance