Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[munroman]

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay.
He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great.
We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the crash.
The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus.
He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers.
It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops.
All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.
Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out.
It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.
He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken.
He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now.
We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.
Don't worry about anything.
We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

[wonkanoby]

[shuttle]

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay.
He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great.
We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the crash.
The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus.
He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers.
It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops.
All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.
Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out.
It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.
He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken.
He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now.
We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.
Don't worry about anything.
We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Very good,reminds me of Alan Sherman Hello Muddah Hello Faddah.

[helen&tony]

Hi
Apologies to any Irish folk...please add the country / names of choice instead

IRISH SAUSAGES


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”
Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”

Cheers
Helen

[helen&tony]

Hi
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from Dublin"
Cheers
Helen

[philpdr]

A blonde walked into a cocktail bar and asked the barman for a Double Entendre.

So he gave her one.

The BBC News channel just displayed images of three women who claimed that
Jimmy Saville interfered with them sexually.

They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture of each of
them taken in the 1970s.
The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

I've spent a fortune on Christmas this year to get the kids everything they want and gotten myself into a right load of debt maxing out the credit cards etc. It'll end up the same as every other year - I do the work and pay for it all and fatty with the beard gets all the credit. Still, my fault for marrying her in the first place.

[fatcatlawyer]

Another thread on the forum brought to mind this story:
It was 4.40 p.m. on a wet Saturday afternoon. it had been raining solidly since the match started at 3.p.m. His team were losing 5 nil and then the anouncement came over the tanoy" Will Mr Smith make his way to the maternity hospital where his wife has just gone into labour". At the announcement the chap standing next to me pushed past saying I"'m going to be a father'. As he leaves the man next me the other side says
Poor sod. Stood here all afternoon in this weather seeing his team losing five nil, and now he has to go home and cook his own tea"

[Bongoplod]

Some may have seen/read this before,but worth posting methinks :- ...............

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......


This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too muchfor the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.





Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.



The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig Bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

[helen&tony]

Hi
Truly
Cheers
Helen

[David Edwards]

hmm plod you been to the Welcome then,lol.

[David Edwards]

Spoke to a muslim guy this morning in our local shop, we were talking about computers and he said he had the whole Koran on a cd, when I asked him to burn me a copy, he went friggin mental.

[David Edwards]

Someone asked me if I was racist, I said " No I had loads of black friends..till my father sold em all" oooh not pc at all eh.

[David Edwards]

When we were courting missus asked me, " Will I be the first girl you have slept with" I said " If |I fall asleep, yes love"

[shuttle]

I pulled my 3-year-old son to play-school in his sledge this morning.

After finally arriving there twenty minutes later, I realised that he was no longer sitting in it.

So I quickly turned the car around and drove the same route back.

[shuttle]

HMV vouchers now being accepted at Tesco.

Just tell them HMV means Horse Meat Voucher.