Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[mikeWalsall]

Many a true word is spoken in jest ..!!

[briwy]

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your ar*ehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied without hesitation, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

Sorry to any golfers

[helen&tony]

Hi
Seen it before, but I still split my sides at it..... ....made my day
Cheers
Helen

[helen&tony]

Hi

Cheers
Helen

[Evil Edna]

Sorry I pinched it and shared it on FB!!!

[Jim the Box]

Old woman goes to the doctor and says she farting a lot, but when it occurs it's not that noisey and not smelly at all. The Doctor gives her some tables, and the lady comes back a week later saying "what have you done to me I'm absolutely stinking" to which the doctor replied, "well that's your sinuses cleared we'll fit the hearing aids tomorrow!"

[shuttle]

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter, she explained that she had slept with 2 guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.

So the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to all his buddies and asked for any unwanted photos of women they had. He then mailed around 24 photographs of women (with clothes and without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your photo and send the rest back."

[The Great Pretender]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the
motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new
willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the
thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide
how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with
your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go
for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make
the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you
spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.







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"We're having granite worktops."

[helen&tony]

Hi
Now there speaks a lady after my own heart
Cheers
Helen

[andyb36]

or you can roll in half way at the accident point and state

we couldnt find your willy after it was severed

and as you had ploughed into a turkey farm you had decappitated a few turkeys - so we had to make a quick decision - and we did

you now have a turkey neck and head for your willy

this will work just as good as your willy did

after a few months went by - the guy went for his check up

so - said the doctor - how are we, looks like all other substained injuries are healing nicely

and i have to ask- how is your new willy working for you

can you pee ok ? yes said the guy

any other problems ? no said the guy

well what about the other use ?

have you used it for any sexual encounters ?

of course said the guy

and - ? how was this - ?


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booowtifull real booowtifull


sorry for the spelling -- didnt know how to do bernard matthews accent lol

[Velocette]

This bloke buys a cockerel from his mate but when he tries to get on the bus the driver won't let him take it on the bus. elf and Safety innit. So he waits for the next bus having stuffed the bird down his tracky bottoms. he successfully gets on the bus and sits down. Five minutes down the road the following conversation ensues from a nearby seat.

"Ethel that man's got a cock sticking out of his trousers" "Take no notice , Glad when you have seen one you have seen them all.".
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.. "Not this one ! It is eating crisps!"

[Bob]

Good Morning Ulster presenter Karen Patterson apologised during Friday’s show after falling victim to a prank text.

During a discussion about the late children’s television presenter — now at the centre of rape and sex abuse allegations — Ms Patterson read out a text billed as “an alternative view on the Jimmy Savile story”.

It said: “I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. He was a nice man. When I was eight he fixed it for me to milk a cow blind-folded.”

After the embarrassing blunder was brought to the BBC’s attention, the presenter immediately apologised.

She said: “I am very sorry if I have caused any offence, but apologies, it was a genuine mistake.”



Read more: http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/ ... z2AuPvf2H2

[Bob]

Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
#1123


Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#ixzz2B0oNH1iB

[Bob]

Mitt Romney : "8 Million Americans still have no power."

Obama: "8 Million and one."

From Sickipedia. Collection of sick jokes.

[shuttle]

Freddie Stars 38 year old wife has shrugged of the accusations about her husband and has said it will not spoil there 30th Wedding anniversary.