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[brorabongo]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats, and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats, and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples, and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats, and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a bleedin’ cat!!!

[brorabongo]

I got in touch with my inner self today.



















That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll

[Muzorewa]

..... and here are the football results read by Salvador Dali

Real Madrid THREE - Surreal Madrid FISH ...........

[Bob]

Cmon, must be some Jimmy Savile ones out there.

[Grannie Annie]

Yeah.....he liked going out for dinner with his mates cos when they finished eating they always passed around the Under Eights.

[daveblueozzie]

They have just found Jimmy Saville's diary.
His last entry was about 10 years old.

"Now then. Now then. Now then. Guys and gals. Welcome to Top of the Pops.
Straight in at thirteen .... me!"

I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Saville. I met him in Leeds General Hospital in the 1980s and he seemed very nice.
Next people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination.

BREAKING NEWS : A gang of dyslexic vigilantes have just beaten up Jimmy Somerville

What do Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Saville have in common ?
They both shafted minors in the 1980's............

[Bob]

Hey Presto

[helen&tony]

Hi
For Halloween Tony's getting a blonde wig, tracksuit, gold chain and a cigar....that'll scare the little beggars....
Cheers
Helen

[New Forest Terrier]

Ring ring

Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Savile and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation.

Just reply "how's about that then" to register or to opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month and get a free "Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.

[BigPanzer]

THE STRANGE TALE OF JOHN LUX

Entymology, we are told is the study of language and its origins, and
this story was related to me one evening in the snug of the Queens
Legs - a small pub on the outskirts of Nether Spanking (which by the
way has very strong links with the late Jimmy Saville. But that is
another story).

As we sat together at the end of the day, the log fire burning merrily
and our two pints of deliciously blended mild ale and bitter beer half
finished in front of us this entymologist, whose name I cannot quite
remember though I think it had something to do with dogs, told me the
story of one of the most often used phrases in the English language
and how it came about.

It appears that the story goes back a couple of hundred years or so,
to the time of the last of the English Dandies, to the nephew of Beau
Brummel, one John Lux.

Now John Lux, as well as being an inveterate traveller, celebrated
humourist, shipping magnate and founder of the great soap empire whose
packets would bear his name for many years, also took a great interest in the
problems found by the explorers of the time regarding accurate
navigation at sea.The principles of both celestial navigation and the
magnetic compass had been known since ancient times and he took a
particular interest in both the design and the development of the
magnetic compass.

He took the compass right back to its original design of Chinese
origin. This was normally in the form of a figure, or "Lode" as it was
known. This lode contained an amount of a naturally occurring magnetic
iron ore, which was known as lodestone. If the figure were allowed to
pivot freely, its outstretched hand, which was made of the lodestone,
would always point to the north, and this arrangement constituted a
primitive form of the compass that we know today.

During exhaustive testing Lux found that the Chinese had been right
with their ideas, and that a figure cast in bronze, but with the
outstretched arm manufactured from lodestone and mechanically fitted
to the body gave results that were somewhat superior to the card and
needle compasses of the day. But Lux did not stop there. He found that
by repeated heating and cooling of the lodestone its structure became
crystallised and this improved the alignment of the magnetic flux
within the ore, with the result that even more impressive accuracy was
obtained.

John Lux started to produce a range of compasses in various sizes
based on the traditional Chinese style from a small workshop near
Oxford, and being a vain man he based the design of the figure upon
himself, seated, dressed in his finest and with the right arm, which
was manufactured from the lodestone ore, extended out to the horizon.
Though these were immediately popular because of their accuracy and
durability they did suffer from one problem. Due to the lack of
bearing technology available at the time, the base pivot pin, which
was inserted in the nether regions of the seated figure, and was the
point about the whole figure pivoted, corroded in the salt sea air.
Though this did not impair the accuracy of the instrument, it did
cause small squeaks to be emitted from the said nether regions of the
figure as it slowly moved about its axis.

Another problem was that the Copyright of the name "Compass" was owned
by the Navigation Instrument & Effluent Disposal Equipment
Manufacturing Company of Oldham. So not being able to call his
instrument a compass, he called it a Lode in deference to the
lodestone ore that had made him rich. He even introduced refinements
in the bronze castings. It became possible for the knowledgeable to
date the instrument by the type of cravat the figure was wearing, or
by the style of the whiskers. He sold lodes by the hundred, all
miniatures of himself, and after a while the Navy became interested.
This proved to be the final seal on his good fortune and he moved his
small workshop to much larger premises at Greenwich. His proudest
moment was when the newly refitted Victory, the largest ship of the
line, was fitted with a brand new Lode, the largest manufactured to
date with an overall hieght of almost eighteen inches to the top of
his hat.

On an autumn morning towards the beginning of the nineteenth century,
Admiral Nelson was walking the deck of the Victory with his good
friend Captain Hardy when the French Fleet was sighted on the horizon.
He immediately ordered his fleet to action stations, issued an extra
ration of rum flavoured Coke to all the sailors around him,
scribbled down a signal he would like sent to the fleet on a passing
Midshipman and gave it to Hardy with a request that it be sent
forthwith. He then strolled towards the ship's wheel and settled down
to watch the French Fleet grow larger in his telescope.

There were a lot of flags required to send Nelsons famous "England
expects" signal and the chief signalman was tired when he had hoisted
them up the mast. He wiped his brow on a grime stained kerchief when
the job was done and raised his eyes in apprehension towards the
French fleet.

Now the extreme sensitivity and the built in squeak of the dapper John
Lux's Lode have already been noted. This, being a large example of his
work was not only abnormally sensitive, but its squeak was at a low
pitch, more of a rumble really.

The large number of flags hoisted by the chief signalman had an
effect. A very miniscule effect, but still an effect on the Victory,
causing it to alter its course no more than half a degree to
starboard. The Lode, being so sensitive as to easily be able to
respond to such a small change in the ships direction, slowly swung
its outstretched hand and its aforementioned rumble was clearly heard by the Admiral
standing by the wheel.

Admiral Nelson, who was not expecting the sound, was slightly
startled. He whirled round to face the cause of the sound (after first
looking accusingly at Hardy), and being a man who appreciated the
wonder of this navigational instrument, he started to examine it a
little more closely than he had in the recent past. He took in its
quality, detail and size at a glance and he was heard by the man at
the ships wheel to say "well shiver my timbers Hardy, this must be

.

.

.

.
The Biggest Lode of Beau Lux I Have Ever Heard!"

[helen&tony]

Hi
Highly excellent, young man..........
Don't get me started, or I'll relate the saga of the gorilla and the stately home
Cheers
Helen

[mikeonb4c]

Superb. I was almost asleep with boredom by the time I reached the punchline, which just made it all the funnier ha ha

[P-Med]

"Entymology"? Isn't that the study of those walking tree creatures from Lord of the Rings? (Etymology is the study of the origin of words).

[BigPanzer]

Hi P-Med,

You are quite correct, silly mistake on my part

Peter

[cabte]

Really funny but think it could work LOL

Dear Mr Cameron,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

Also.....
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Regards
...........