Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[francophile1947]

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us.

Look at me...I'm ME. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap !!!!!"

[Bob]

Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsamwOs2 ... re=related

Does contain the 'F' word, but I'd probably have said it in these circumstances.

[Driver+Passengers]

Take some "dead birds trying to fly" and add a pinch of innuendo...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-18442040

Made me titter...!

[teenmal]

Glasgow Boys join Ferrari.











"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Glasgow youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Castlemilk were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage overevery other team..

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glasgow pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[shuttle]

My wife wasn't to pleased this morning,she told me that someone had pinched a pair of her knickers off the washing line last night.Said she wasn't too bothered about the knickers but she'd like the one dozen pegs back !!!!!!!

[umbongocat]

Got to be a bongonaut, they're prone to knicking knickers and bra's and then auctioning them off at the Annual Bash or hanging them on flags

[peterrc]

My wife wasn't to pleased this morning,she told me that someone had pinched a pair of her knickers off the washing line last night.Said she wasn't too bothered about the knickers but she'd like the one dozen pegs back !!!!!!!

Not a common problem in you area that I recall. I spent 5 years there and can't recall it ever happening.
Perhaps the inhabitants have changed since the late 70's.

[karena]

Got to be a bongonaut, they're prone to knicking knickers and bra's and then auctioning them off at the Annual Bash or hanging them on flags

who would do such a thing -i hear he is wearing stockings these days

[blobber]

And he thinks if he says there surgical, we'll believe him

[Diplomat]

Doesn't look like anyone got the joke, Shuttle!


Frank

[alant54]

Doesn't look like anyone got the joke, Shuttle!


Frank

I got it.... ....my wife only needs 9 pegs as she is on a diet....

[Diplomat]

I assume that this was probably one of Jimmy Carr's jokes.

That could explain why, despite me being a Jerseyman, I had never heard of him before.

It might, of course, date back to Ken Dodd!


Frank

[karena]

yes we did but thought maybe it would be more diplomatic to divert from it or he could be wearing a dozen clothes pegs where the sun dont shine.

[helen&tony]

Hi
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don"t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line."How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?"Fifteen bucks," came the reply."And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" he added."What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!"The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result.When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks" to which the businessman replied "ok" and off they went.As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver. !!
Cheers
Helen

[shuttle]

Paddy was beating hell out of a hedgehog with a lump of wood

Murphy: Paddy what are you doing ?

Paddy: I'm trying to get the conker out !