Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[dandywarhol]

Man goes into a bar and asks for a whisky and lemonade

"Certainly sir, what kind would you like?

"Ermmm, I'll have Schweppes.............."

??
If you are adding whisky to lemonade surely it is only the quality of the lemonade that counts - the quality of the whisky has already gone out of the window.

Indeed..........whilst I would never advocate such a dastardly deed, it up to the individual's choice to partake in whatever libation tickles their palate..............

[scanner]

Man goes into a bar and asks for a whisky and lemonade

"Certainly sir, what kind would you like?

"Ermmm, I'll have Schweppes.............."

??
If you are adding whisky to lemonade surely it is only the quality of the lemonade that counts - the quality of the whisky has already gone out of the window.

Indeed..........whilst I would never advocate such a dastardly deed, it up to the individual's choice to partake in whatever libation tickles their palate..............

....and the only flavour worth worrying about then is the lemonade.

Now IF the reply had been Bowmore/Talisker/Aberfeldy/Aberlor/Ardbeg or even Brora (where there be Bongos) THAT would have been a joke.

[Ian]

The wife has been missing for over a week now, but this afternoon the police rang and told me to prepare for some bad news....

So I went down the charity shop and got her clothes back

[wonkanoby]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies..

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[francophile1947]

How Irish dancing started http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0rrLdWLu_0

[francophile1947]

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"


The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

(get ready for this.....)


The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[helen&tony]

Hi
John...
Irish dancing started before man came along:
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v381/ ... fricia.mp4
Cheers
Helen

[nicstrike]

Hi
John...
Irish dancing started before man came along:
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v381/ ... fricia.mp4
Cheers
Helen

....classic!

[francophile1947]

It was Clint Eastwood’s birthday recently and to celebrate a few of his friends got together and organised a sky writer to put a message above the Hollywood sign.

Personally I don’t think it quite worked out the way they wanted it to …
http://i834.photobucket.com/albums/zz26 ... 21d7f7.jpg

[David Edwards]

A crimbo one..
Last night I built a snowgirl
as perfect as can be
I thought I'll keep her for my own and she can sleep with me,
I made her some pyjamas and a pillow for her head
but overnight she vanished and had pissed the bloody bed.

[helen&tony]

Hi
Something Christmassy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3M7IR6jkpc

Cheers
Helen

[Poohbear]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies..

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

I'm afraid I lost this joke when you mentioned a Harley travelling faster than the speed limit. How ridiculous is that?

[terrybull]

I just got off the phone with friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[wonkanoby]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbNl3J8HXw4

[David Edwards]

Aw poor old Bob Holness, he was only thru the pearly gates an hour when Amy Winehouse walked up to him and said " Can I have an E please, Bob".