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[David Edwards]

Went for my first simple stage 1 chinese lesson for beginners; Laqdy said " In english you say..I dont understand what you mean"... chinese translation.." Wah u fa kin sai hing ta mei"

[pippin]

Clink!

The penny has dropped!

[francophile1947]

A hooded robber burst into a High street bank and forced the cashiers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave male customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the cashiers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

[munroman]

I was in one of those 'all you can eat' buffet places, and in wanders Sir Sean Connery.

He went straight over, and helped himself to all the prawns, a huge pile of them.

I thought to myself 'that's shellfish'.............

[francophile1947]

Fancy a beer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAhvAX9pVPQ

[francophile1947]

3 Men married wives from different countries.



The first man married a woman from China . He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Italy . He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge
dinner on the table.


The third man married a Yorkshire Lass. He ordered her to keep the house
clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the
table for every meal. He the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything

.

.but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[francophile1947]

2 crooks are in court awaiting sentencing.
The judge asks the 1st one what effect would my sending you to prison have on you? To which he replied, when I go to prison I would have a large ring of friends, but when I come out it would be small.
He asked the 2nd one the same question - he replied, when I go to prison I would have a small ring, but when I come out....

[munroman]

Not being very houseproud, and needing to get the house tidy, I called one of those 'Eastern European Cleaner' adverts you see on lamposts.

She arrived, very polite and attractive, but it took her 5 hours to hoover the lounge carpet!

It turned out that she was a Slovak........

[brorabongo]

Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary." "Cold food," said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary. "It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done **** all but moan since you got here!"

[francophile1947]

Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshire lad walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere lad?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshire lad said, "Tha's doing well then
........................................Tha's onny got two left!"

[mister munkey]

Types Of Poo

Ghost Poo:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the
toilet. Where is it?

Teflon Poo:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the
toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Goo Poo:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you
still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the
toilet.

Second Thoughts Poo:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise...
there's more to come.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out
until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

Weight Watchers Poo:
You poo so much you lose several pounds.

Right Now Poo:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to
get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your
pants down.

King Kong Poo:
This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well.
This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.

Cork Poo:
Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there,
floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

Wet Cheeks Poo:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the
launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

Wish Poo:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

Cement Block Poo:
You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.

Snake Poo:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least
three feet long.

Morning After Poo:
Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't
smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house
(normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside
to use the bathroom.

Mexican Food Poo:
Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum
stops burning.

Boo Hoo Poo:
Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the
stitches or go for the fuller figure.

[mister munkey]

If World War One was a bar Fight...


Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over.

Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

[mister munkey]

With winter approaching here is some advice for driving in icy conditions



WOMEN
1, Sit in the car with the engine running and the heater on full for 15-20 minutes until the windscreen is completely clear.
2. Pull away nervously, screaming every time the wheels lose traction, sit as close to the steering wheel as possible and try to fight back the tears.
3. When reaching a gritted road continue to drive at no more than 11mph, preferably in 4th gear so that the car lurches everywhere.
4. Arrive at work leaving the car wherever it stops, enter the office and cry with other female colleagues about how frightening the journey was.

MEN
1. Start the car, scrape off the ice with a CD cover so that there is a 6 inch hole in the ice.
2. Accelerate wildly in an attempt to get the speedo reading 90mph while still at a walking pace.
3. When joining a vaguely gritted road drive as normal, weaving around any women travelling at 11mph.
4 Wind the driver's window down and turn the heater up to full to carry out an experiment as to whether wind chill can be beaten by the heater matrix.
5. Arrive at the work car park at a much higher speed than usual to enable a high speed handbrake turn. If possible blow the horn to alert other men to your feat of machismo.
6. Realise that you were going too fast for the conditions.
7. Exit the vehicle and inspect damage to your car, other cars you have collided with as well as damage to curbs/bollards/bystanders etc.

[daveblueozzie]

If a nun was on a scooter would that be classed as virgin mobile?

[widdowson2008]

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREAST , 24" WAIST and 34" HIPS . When she walks into a room, people say,



"Oh My God."