Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[brorabongo]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

[francophile1947]

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner.
Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[mister munkey]

GETTING OLD

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your other half says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take
any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
multi storey carpark.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

[Ron Miel]

Just email-received from daughter - wish I had thought of it!

Banned from Sainsbury's: Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[Leon King]

Cyber Sex

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one
of the two cyber surfers in the following transcript of an online chat
doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he
does.........

Well hung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I
work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36.
What do you look like?
Well hung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...... it smells
funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Well hung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo
and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes,
smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle
your huge, swelling bulge.
Well hung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Well hung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Well hung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off
my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Well hung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole
in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Well hung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Well hung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do
you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing
the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My
nipples are erect for you.
Well hung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue
all over me.
Well hung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your
ear.
Well hung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Well hung: I'm so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.
Well hung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard
tool.
Well hung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Well hung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in
and out nibbling on you...... umm...... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Well hung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Well hung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Well hung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through
the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Well hung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Well hung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Well hung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And
now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's
the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Well hung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Well hung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies
pressing each other.
Well hung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Well hung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses
on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Well hung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Well hung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Well hung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Well hung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Well hung: OK, now I'm going to put my...... you know...... thing...... in
your...... you know....... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Well hung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it
another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Well hung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Well hung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my
face.
Well hung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy.
I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Well hung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm
feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames
and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Well hung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at
it..... a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Well hung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: [logged off]

Wellhung: Wow........Shes good........... just as good as the WIFE........!

[Leon King]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who

called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you

now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you

last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline

that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of

muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am

developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby gray haired older men were cute,
and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

*

*

*

*

*


So I told her to f**k off.

[brorabongo]

[francophile1947]

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.

[brorabongo]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the full stop. It marks the end of his sentence.

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighbourhood and one of them was a-salted.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

[daveblueozzie]

Snow White has been kicked out of Disneyland.
She was found sat on Pinocchio's face, saying lie to me.

[brorabongo]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[brorabongo]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"


The woman replies, "It's Frank. The midget."

[brorabongo]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,




"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service.

[brorabongo]

An Irishman went to confession. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly walked up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as they realized she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

[francophile1947]

In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.



In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.