Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[brorabongo]

another topical joke.....

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club house and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

'What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.....


Today you voted.'

[Alison01326]

This is Isaac's favourite joke at the moment ....

Why did Tigger put his head down the toilet?

Because he was looking for Pooh

[wonkanoby]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEVU-YLpM8A&feature

[brorabongo]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens, which he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

[Holly]

[mister munkey]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEVU-YLpM8A&feature

Cracking!!

[Leon King]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story
and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: 'God
bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like
the thing to do.'
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened
to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless
Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died.
'Holy s***!' thought the father, "this kid is in contact with
the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard
her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and
got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous
as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end
of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his
watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so
late, what's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the
worst day of my life.'
She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe
what happened to me. This morning my golf pro
dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!"

[Leon King]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

[brorabongo]

Q. Why did the Lion cross the road?


A. To get to the other pride.

[brorabongo]

Update on Cinderella...........
Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life, but now a widow, she happily sits in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'? The fairy godmother replied 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns ? ' Cinderella was overjoyed and after some thought replied 'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my pension and I wish to be wealthy again. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. The fairy godmother then asked, 'What do you want for your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.' At once, her wish became reality and she was young and beautiful again and she felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. The fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.' Magically, Bob was immediately transformed into the most handsome man Cinderella had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.' and disappeared in a flash of blue light

Bob and Cinderella looked lovingly into each other's eyes. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella and held her in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

[brorabongo]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[mister munkey]

Top Dollar!!

[mister munkey]

Al Murray vs Americans

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUdaPNXC_68

This guy cracks me up.

[pippin]

Two slugs were off on their holidays.

They turned a corner and saw two snails in front.

"Bloody Bongoers!" said one to the other.

[daveblueozzie]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2_1QJErQw4