Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[bongoing-mad-simon]

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty....)



'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!!

[bongoing-mad-simon]

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his patient, a little old woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old women! Their minds are always working!)

[Matt&JoyBongling]

During the second world war, Russia, England and America were nominal allies. Russia was facing a lot of shortages and one of the things that they requested from the west was condoms. When comrade Stalin was asked what sort, he replied that they should be standard Russian size - 9 inches.

After he had left, Churchill and Eisenhower had a discussion about this and Churchill's suggestion won. The condoms were duly supplied, clearly labelled in English and Russian: Medium

[francophile1947]

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

[dreamwarrioruk]

[maxheadroom]

CHECK FOR SENILITY


The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.



The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!



1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat..

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.



Now go back and read the third word in each sentence from the top
down.

[francophile1947]

Bar steward

[maxheadroom]

Bar steward

Oh yes

[francophile1947]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

[Ian]

A woman picks up her friend at the railway station, who is visiting from Essex. On the way back to her house, the driver points to a florist's shop and says "Oh no! My husband is buying me some flowers!"

"What's the matter?" says her friend from Essex, "Don't you like flowers?".

"No, it's not that. It's that he will be expecting something in return and I really don't fancy spending the weekend on my back with my legs in the air".

Her friend from Essex thinks about this for a minute, and then asks "Why, don't you have any vases at your house?"

[handyman]

Martina Navratilova today said how happy she is that her breast cancer was caught early as it may have spread to her balls.

[francophile1947]

One the women will enjoy

THE LONELY BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"


Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............











"We're down here ."

[handyman]

UK Strike news.

Muslim suicide bombers are set to go on a 3 day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the after life.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would reicieve after his death will be cut by 25% this May, from 72 to only 54
.
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the after life.

The suicide bombers union, The British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to it's members and immeadiatly balloted for strike action.
General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.
We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief Osama Bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern day-Jihad in a competative marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up"

Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England,Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Apparantly the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.

Now that potential Martyrs know what a virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[wooden wheel]

I've just been outside and got hit on the head by a lasagne, a black forest gateaux . and a garlic baguette




I think it must be the fall out from iceland

[Debs and David]

I've just been outside and got hit on the head by a lasagne, a black forest gateaux . and a garlic baguette




I think it must be the fall out from iceland