Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[widdowson2008]

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?



'cos they don't have any bo...cks to scratch

[aitch]

can't say anything to that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[widdowson2008]

to continue the Johny theme

Whilst working on the alphabet, teacher asks class to think of a word beginning with the letter A
Johnys hand goes up in a flash 'me miss...me'.
Teacher picks Amanda (say 'arsehole suggests Johny), but instead Amanda said 'Amsterdam miss.'
Very good Amanda.
Teacher says, 'How about B'.
Again, when teacher ignores Johnys quick hand waving and picks Billy, Johny suggests the word 'bollocks', but Billy answers 'Bench'.
Very good Billy.
Teacher quickly works through 'C', avoiding Johnys hand again, instead getting the answer 'Crocus' from Allen.
When she got to 'D' and Johnys hand shot up yet again, the teacher thought to herself 'I can't think of any swear words beginning with 'D', so she this time she picked Johny, who stood up and said 'Dwarf miss, with a f.ckin great big p..ck.

[widdowson2008]

and another Johny..........

One evening, Johnys dad decided that it was about time to explain the correct words for the human bits & pieces, so at bathtime, his dad pointed at his own penis and said 'this is a penis'.
Johny grunted his way through the lesson and eventually went to bed.
The following day at school, his girlfriend asked him, 'so what is a penis' to which Johny replied 'Its like a prick but smaller.


Sorry about this - I'll stop now

[brorabongo]

You think you had a bad day...

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with shouted, 'Let's go.'


The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight Instructor?

"Life is short, drink the good wine first"

[brorabongo]

TWO PRAWNS

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail........ it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Kristian?' he asked. 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian'

[Muzorewa]

This one's for Anna - (Not So Old)

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener'

'I didn't bring it' says Roy.' I thought you packed it'.

Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?'. Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it.

But he refuses saying - 'You'll eat all the sandwiches!'

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they and are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts....

'I KNEW IT.....................I'M NOT F***ING GOING.'

[bigdaddycain]

Heard about the new Viagra eye drops?

They Make you look hard.

[brorabongo]

Have you heard theres a powder form of Viagra design to dissolve in your Tea?

It does nothing for your love life, it stops your biscuit from going soft.

[pippin]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000.. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs!

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[brorabongo]

Someone sent me a text today, All it said was...

'A' 'G' 'N' 'B'


I think it's bang out of order!!!!!!!!

[Leon King]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people.I told them to f--- off!!





Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!

[TINCA TINCA]

Can anyone let me know what the text slang is for BOH please.
Bet it is something horrible!!
Really enjoy reading all posts.

[TINCA TINCA]

What colour is a BURP................

BURPLE!!!!

[brorabongo]

Can anyone let me know what the text slang is for BOH please.
Bet it is something horrible!!
Really enjoy reading all posts.

http://acronyms.thefreedictionary.com/BOH

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