Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[scanner]

The Engineer & the Manager

Woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted:'Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.' '

You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,

but now, somehow, it's my ******* fault.'

[Ron Miel]

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING !)

Best boat name I ever saw,on a big catamaran in West Kirby, was Norma Snockers.

[scanner]

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING !)

Best boat name I ever saw,on a big catamaran in West Kirby, was Norma Snockers.

That was also the name of a racehorse and the owner had a bet with another owner as to who could get the most suggestive name past the Jockey Club naming committee, the other owner managed to register "Jowblob" another tried to register "My Face" just so he could laugh himself silly at the shouts from the stands along the final straight.

[shakey]

When I was young and daft, me and my mate went banger racing, as the Hunt brothers, Mike and Isaac, we painted our names on the sides, in BIG letters. We did quite well and attracted the commentators attention (who was obviously naive), and the organisers (who wern't!!), Happy days.

[scanner]

You could have this guy as your mechanic

And this one as team manager.

[francophile1947]

In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.


"I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling MP before I die", whispered the priest.


"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.


The nurse sent the request to The Houses of Parliament and waited for a response.


Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.


As they went to the hospital, Brown commented to Darling,


"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected. After all, I'm in it to win so I can claim for a new car".


Darling agreed that it was a good thing.


When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left.


There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.


Finally Gordon Brown spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"


The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after
Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."


"Amen", said Brown. "Amen", said Darling.


The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

[handyman]

An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassey for a visa.

Consul: Your name please?

Arab: Abu Zina

Consul: Sex?

Arab: Every Day.

Consul: Er, I mean, male or female?

Arab: Dont matter, sometimes even Camel.

Consul: Holy cow!

Arab: Yes, cows and donkeys too.

Consul: Isnt that hostile?

Arab: Hosstyle, Dogstyle, any style!

Consul :Oh dear!

Arab: No deer! Ass*le too tight and run too fast.

[brorabongo]

Nintendo have released 2 new games for the Scottish market, aimed at kids that don't behave. They are called Wii B*****d, and Wii S***e.

[Leon King]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market.. They're asking £950,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks:
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[brorabongo]

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet s**ts itself."

[brorabongo]

Quick Test.
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION
You are in England , York to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.


THE TEST
Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

1) You can save the life of Gordon Brown.
Or...
2) You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!


THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[brorabongo]

Why do we have two hands?


Woman:-


Men:-

[Nuggets!]

Very good but you men have those big thumbs too

Nuggets!

[missfixit70]

Very good but you men have those big thumbs too

Nuggets!

Got the solution for that - Big button remote control - http://www.maplin.co.uk/Module.aspx?Mod ... o#features

[aitch]

what about something for us men with little thumbs