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[brorabongo]

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING !)

[Leon King]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse had already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed
his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of
the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Obama FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust an Obama FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me..'
*** POOF***
He was turned into a tampon..
The moral of the story:
If the Obama government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

[Roberus]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed . 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[brorabongo]

A Blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs
for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were
in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?"the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blond replied,"and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with
a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"

[Leon King]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she
laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest.


After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As
the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the
table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat
sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock,
took the bill. "$ 150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is
dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat
Scan, it's now $150.

[Roberus]

I like it!!

[David Edwards]

Being worried about swine flu and how it's spreading I decided to phone the hotline this morning..all I got was crackling.
How do you know when you are strating the symptoms..well, first you come out in rashers, then you get the trots.
My doc asked me this morning how long I'd had the symptoms of swine flu so I told him must have been about a weeek weeek weeek.

[bigdaddycain]

The female teacher posed a question for her class... "there are three birds perched on the branch, the farmer shoots one off, how many birds are left?" One pupil says one... "no sorry, anybody else?" says the teacher... Another pupil says "no birds are left miss" Now, the teacher never really liked this pupil, and eager to get one over him asked in a mocking manner, "How could there be none left? Explain your thinking!".....

"Well miss, if the farmer had shot at the birds, the loud bang would have made them all fly away, regardless of whether he hit his target or not, therefore there were no birds on the branch after the shot was fired" The teacher was miffed "No jones! You are wrong... Two birds were left on the branch, as one was shot off...But i like your thinking".

Jones smirked and asked, "Can i ask you a question miss"? "Of course" she replied....

"If there are 3 women sat on a park bench, each with an ice cream cone, the first woman is licking around the tip of the ice cream, the second woman is putting the ice cream as far into her mouth as possible, yet the third woman isn't putting the ice cream to her mouth at all...then which woman is married?" The teacher mumbled "the third woman i suppose"... Jones replied,"Sorry miss, none of them were married...But i like your thinking"!

[handyman]

A Scottish Paedophile has raised a dispute with E-bay.
He claims a Wii GameBoy he recieved is'nt what he was expecting.

[Evil Edna]

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little (bit like me on my diet ! ) which made him rather frail and also, with his odd diet, he also suffered from bad breath. This made him......

This is sooooo bad, it`s good.........................


A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[handyman]

A nun went to a doctor as she was feeling sick and was totally shocked to be told she was pregnant.

Next day she stormed into the monastry to confront the monks and shouted

"Right, which one of you dirty b**t**ds has been w**k*n over the candles?"!!

[missfixit70]

Wheres the candles? I expect it does.

[francophile1947]

Miss Kirsty The old ones are still the best

[missfixit70]

Miss Kirsty The old ones are still the best

What - Nuns or candles?

[francophile1947]

Miss Kirsty The old ones are still the best

What - Nuns or candles?

Not sure, I haven't tried either