Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[aitch]

[Mike Jill and Emily]

how many used condoms does it take to make a tyre ????
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Are you sure you want to know???
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365 if it's a Goodyear

[splash2]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river Thames
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the river near the parking lot by the Houses of Parliament .'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Jaguar cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh1t out of
them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the sh1t
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ar5ehole and a briefcase.'

[rabbitsquasher]

man walks into a circus, and sees a huge crowd gathered around a cage.
He walks up and sees a lion sat on the floor with his mouth wide open. Up walks a man, undoes his flies takes out his manhood and places it on the lions tounge. The crowd go wild with appreciation.
The circus master shouts out to the croud.... STEP RIGHT UP COME ON DONT BE SHY WHO'S NEXT?

The man cant wait 'me, me' he shouts

STEP RIGHT UP SIR!



Into the cage he walks and noticing the lion still sat there halts in his stride and says....


OH CHRIST I thought you meant I had to sit there.....

[scanner]

Witty Replies................

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.


5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'


4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'


3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!'



SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
2008

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[dave_aber]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:




1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[rwill19050]

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn (stream).

A Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's fu' ae coo's shite an pish!'

The man replies, 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me'

The keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!

[helen&tony]

Hi

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."

A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."

A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

Cheers
Helen

[rwill19050]

A politicians poem


I want a floating duck house
I want to clear my moat
I need to mend my tennis court
That’s why I need your vote.

I have to build a portico
My swimming pool needs mending
My lovely plants need horse manure
And the Aga needs much tending

A chandelier is vital
Mock Tudor boards are great
My hanging baskets won awards
And I’ve earned a tax rebate.

I need a glitter toilet seat.
My piano so needs tuning
Maltesers help me stay awake
And my orchard must need pruning

I could have said the rules were wrong
And often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier
To profit all I could

The public really have to see
That the rules are there to test
And by defrauding taxpayers
We were just doing our best

The Speaker of the House has gone,
Our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying
For our corpses at the feast

What do the public want from us,
Those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful
To be financing our estates.

The message is so very clear,
(we’re merely learning late)
That the British way of living well
Is to screw the bloody state.

[crazy uncle gray g]

A man staggered home at 4am and was
greeted at the door by his enraged wife.
"What's your excuse for coming home at this
hour?" She roared. "Breakfast," he replied.

[Leon King]

How would you pronounce this child's name:

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again..



This child attends a school in Detroit, MI.. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha".

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash..

If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.

[helen&tony]

Hi
A bear and a rabbit are taking a poo in the forest, and the bear says to the rabbit
"Do you worry about bits of poo getting stuck to your fur"
The rabbit replies "not really"
"Excellent" says the bear, and wipes his backside with the rabbit
Cheers
Helen

[Matt&JoyBongling]

From a sign posted at a golf club in Scotland ...

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart

2. Form a loose grip

3. Keep your head down

4. Avoid a quick backswing

5. Stay out of the water

6. Try not to hit anyone

7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you

8. Don't stand directly in front of others

9. Quiet please ... while others are preparing

10. Don't take extra strokes

Well done, now flush the urinal, go out and tee off.

[Leon King]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his
age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are
entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet
didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his
mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having
difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big
towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man
have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in
a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how Ya waves a fu**in'
towel!'

[feeblecat]

How do you know when an Ayrshire lassie has an orgasm?

She drops her chips!