Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[Leon King]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

[Leon King]

[rabbitsquasher]

man goes to a farmers market.
goes to first stall says I wanna buy a chicken.
You're better off with a cockerell. You'll benifit in the long run.
so off he goes with a cockerell.

he goes to the next stall and says I wanna buy a Donkey.
You're better off with an asse came the reply. They work much harder and you'll benefit in the long run.
I'll take it! he says, thanks for your wisdom.
No problem sir, I see you're walking home, now this asse has a problem with crossing the road, if he comes to a standstill, just gently rub his behind and on he'll go..
Got that ok thanks again.
And off he goes with his new animals.
Goes to the third stall, decides he still wants a chicken and says
I wanna buy a chicken.
You're better off with a pullet came the reply, they're younger and you'll get more return for your investment.
So he takes the pullet and off he goes, heading for home.

Comes to the first road and the asse grinds to a halt, refusing to budge.
Across the road is a stunning long legged big boobed essex blonde (hehe) who sees the fella struggling and asks,
anything I can help you with there?
He thinks for a while


.....




......





..........


aye he says.....




can you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch me asse........

[Bongoplod]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, while visibly shuddering.


The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman,
'I couldn't help but notice' he said, 'that when you sneeze you shudder violently. Are you ok?'


'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, ' Pepper.'

[brorabongo]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied........

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[brorabongo]

THE MINIMUM WAGE
A man owned a small farm in Scotland . The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'There's my farmhand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[brorabongo]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

A primary school teacher in Killarney asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Blarney Stone and I was fascinated. The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[lizard]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.


He realized he had left his gun at home and so he could not shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.


Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly

[lizard]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH




A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.


The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'


The Aussie said 'One!'


The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people=20 average 20 or 30 sales a day.


How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'


'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'


'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4


The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...




'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[lizard]

Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.

Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA 20 battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse
started giggling, then fell to the floor Laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as
a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room!

[Matt&JoyBongling]

Once upon a time two country lads were driving through a blizzard down some dark windy lanes and their car broke down. The only sign of life around them was a light coming from a distant house. They trudged through the snow up to the house and rang the bell. The pretty young woman that answered the door told them that she did not have a car or a phone but they could stay the night and get a lift from the milkman in the morning. They said thanks. She invited them in and told them that she only had one bed in the house - they could either share it with her to sleep on the floor. As it was so cold, they decided to accept her offer. Being simple boys, they did not know what to expect. As they were lying in bed, the woman said that it was the first time in ages that she had slept next to a man, let a lone two and it was making her rather excited. She started caressing them and was getting very turned on. Eventually she said to the guys that they could have their wicked way with her. They did not know what she meant so she explained. She then asked them to put on condoms to stop her getting pregnant. She enjoyed herself a lot. The following morning, the milkman came and the country lads got a lift into town.

A few weeks later, the lads were discussing their eventful evening and their first night of passion. One asked the other whether he cared if the woman got pregnant. Not really he said. Well said the first ... shall we take these bloody condoms off then?

[Leon King]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama being our president.

The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle’.”
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, “When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle’.”

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”

[Leon King]

Ft. Worth Police today reported finding a John Doe male body in the Trinity River .....

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, and an Obama t-shirt.

The police thoughtfully removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[scanner]

You don't like Obama do you?

[brorabongo]

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for £10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The Reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the Reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the Reverend immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?” Proudly handing the Reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the 200 pound I collected on behalf of the church.”

“Fine job, Peter!” The Reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman, the Church is indebted to you.”

Turning to Paul, he asked “And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?”

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s 280 pounds I collected.”

The Reverend responded, “Splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.”

Apprehensively, the Reverend turned to little Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?” Louie silently offered the Reverend a large envelope. The Pastor opened it and counted the contents. “What is this?” the Reverend exclaimed. “Louie, there's 3200 pounds here! Are you saying that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded. "That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We’re professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.” “Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the Reverend agreed.

“I think you’d better tell how you managed this, Louie.” Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”

“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten p-p-p-ponnds —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?