Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[lizard]

how many used condoms does it take to make a tyre ????
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Are you sure you want to know???
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365 if it's a Goodyear

What about a leap year

[lizard]

how many used condoms does it take to make a tyre ????
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Are you sure you want to know???
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365 if it's a Goodyear

What about a leap year

It's a spare

[lizard]

I didn't start this

A crank with armor will never harm her
Before getting drastic, wrap it in plastic
Before getting laid, wrap up your spade
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
Bodies shouldn't go slapping unless peter's got his wrapping
Cover your stump before you hump
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
Don't be a loner, cover your boner
Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
Don't be silly, protect your willy
Especially in December, gift wrap your member
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
If you go into heat, package your meat
If you really love her, wear a cover.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
Never ever deck her with an unwrapped pecker
No glove, no love!
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
The right selection will protect your erection
When in doubt, shroud your spout
When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
You could get a germ if you don't cover your worm
You might wind up dead if you don't shield your head

[lizard]

I cannot condom this.


A fellow walks into the pharmacy and ask to purchase some condoms.
"What size package would you like?"
"Oh, I get to choose? What do you have?"
"Well we have a six-pack, a nine-pack and a twelve-pack."
"Why so many different ones?"
"Well the six-pack is very popular with our customers of the Jewish
persuasion."
"Why is that?"
"Evidently, once a night, except the sabbath."
"How about the nine-pack?"
"That is very popular with our customers of the black persuasion. Once a
night and twice on weekends."
"How about the twelve-pack."
"That is very popular with our customers of the white persuasion...January,
February, March..."

[lizard]

Here we are

The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and
they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she
hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she
demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she
suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and
asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure
am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it.

[lizard]

Still more

A little boy came into the house and said to his little sister, "Guess what,
I found a used condom underneath the magnolias."
His little sister looker up and said, "What's a magnolia?"

[lizard]

Stop me and buy one, buy two and be one jump ahead


This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and
my buddies said you could fix me up for it."
"What do you want?"
"Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..."
"What do you want?"
"I need some protection, alright??!?!"
"What size?"
"Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess."
"That'll be $2.35 including tax."
"Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

[lizard]

How Many Condoms Can You Wear at Once?


The answer is probably something like three, before things start getting a little pinchy.

[lizard]

They mention "double bagging" as putting two condoms on at once. I always thought it meant putting a bag over your head in case the one on your partners fell off.

[lizard]

And just to finish as it's getting late


http://www.myscienceproject.org/condoms.html

[helen&tony]

Hi
A tour guide was showing Niagara Falls to a group of tourists, and said to a Texan in the party
"I bet you don't have anything like this in Texas"
To which the Texan replied
"Nope, but we'll sure have a plumber who can fix it"

Cheers
Helen

[brorabongo]

Summers Coming Guys Be Prepared



An offer NOT to be missed! I thought this was a hoax at first...


Summer 2009 is almost here. To celebrate this many supermarket stores are giving away free barbecues to all that can go and collect them. You can get a free BBQ from any of the following stores.

· ASDA
· Morrison's
· Costco
· Kwik Save
· Somerfield
· Aldi
· Sainsbury
· Tesco
· Iceland
· Lidl

All BBQs come with a higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!

PLEASE NOTE: Some stores may charge a £1 administration fee..

If you wish to see a picture of this product please scroll down.

[brorabongo]

Sister Senga and Sister Helen, are travelling from Scotland through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Aw naw!" shouts Sister Senga. "Whit are we gonnae dae?"

"Turn the windae wipers oan. That will get rid of the abomination" says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windae washirs. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican !" says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga turns on the windae washirs. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"It did'nae wurk, whit'll a dae?" shouts Sister Senga.

"Show him your cross!" says Sister Helen.

"Aye, that's whit tae dae." says Sister Senga. She opens the window and shouts.......

"Get tae f*** aff the f***in' car ya wee vampire b*****d!!!!"

[Roberus]

Summers Coming Guys Be Prepared



An offer NOT to be missed! I thought this was a hoax at first...


Summer 2009 is almost here. To celebrate this many supermarket stores are giving away free barbecues to all that can go and collect them. You can get a free BBQ from any of the following stores.

· ASDA
· Morrison's
· Costco
· Kwik Save
· Somerfield
· Aldi
· Sainsbury
· Tesco
· Iceland
· Lidl

All BBQs come with a higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!

PLEASE NOTE: Some stores may charge a £1 administration fee..

If you wish to see a picture of this product please scroll down.

Actually did this with a Waitrose trolley many years ago.....they do the job perfectly!!!

[Roberus]

It was entertainment night at the old folk's home and 75 OAPs came to see the show. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...

'The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. 75 pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'SH1T!' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean the place up!!