Bongo Fury

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the Northern Tip of Newfoundland. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

I've seen jesus

Grass

What follows is a transcript of a conversation between God and St.Francis.


GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St.FRANCIS:It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they
cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes
left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about
his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were
2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and
assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.

Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some
buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.

'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

Got a jacket from my local tailors for £30 reduced from £150, had on the label imperfect, well, I checked the lining the pockets , collar, etc and the only thing I could find was that one of the arms was slightly longer than the other two.

BONNIE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY ‘BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, “BONNIE GAL,
YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I’D JUST AS SOON YO’ MA DON’T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.”

SO BONNIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, “THERE’S TROUBLE STILL.

“YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YO’ MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO’
I KNOW IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.”

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, “MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO’ HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.”

I see the England squad visited a poor orphanage in Rio slums today.. "It is simply heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope at all" said Jose aged 6.

Hi
What's the difference between the England football team and a tea-bag???????

The teabag is in the cup longer!
Cheers
Helen

The England team have three new sponsors: -

Total, FCUK and UPS

"I don't know whether I'm meant to be on the left, the right, or up front......"

"Just get on the plane, Wayne!"

Hi
It's rumoured that the team are negotiating sponsorship with Disney for the next World Cup.....providing the team with the Official Mickey Mouse strip
Cheers
Helen

I've waited 8 years to see England play like Spain. Now I have.

blobber wrote:I've waited 8 years to see England play like Spain. Now I have.

Now that's not fair - Spain won a game

Apparently the England team are going to play a friendly against Iceland. If successful they may do other friendly matches with Tesco Asda and Sainsburys

I don't know what the fuss about Suarez is all about..... ......in the 1960's...Norman Hunter of Leeds Utd used to bite your legs...........

Giving away my age now....

Right I'll get my coat....

Alan