Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[shuttle]

The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two seperate events.

[ajof]

I loved the olympic opening ceremony, my favourite part was the parade with all the countries we've conquered...

[francophile1947]

Getting to grips with the New Technology................

I was visiting my son, when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my i Pad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it !!!!!...

[shuttle]

Belarusian shot put gold medallist Nadzeya Ostapchuk said she has been tested positive for a banned substance.

Testicles !!!!!!!

[francophile1947]

Was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.
Then I noticed two rather large women sitting at the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?
One of them screamed, "It's Wales, you friggin' IDIOT!"
I immediately apologised and said, "Sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's all I remember

[David Edwards]

I see the International olympic commitee have apologized to the North koreans for showing the wrong flag and as a gesture of goodwill, have invited them all out for a slap up all you can eat meal..at Battersea dogs home.

[M 80NGO]

I got stopped by a Traffic Cop today. She said 'papers?' I said 'Scissors...I win!" and drove off!

[francophile1947]

I hope we have no American members
http://www.safeshare.tv/v/fJuNgBkloFE

[daveblueozzie]

I hope we have no American members
http://www.safeshare.tv/v/fJuNgBkloFE

To be honest, if they asked similar questions in Britain you would probably get the same stupid answers.


I was at a brothel in Amsterdam the other day and asked for the fattest, ugliest, saggiest woman available.
"Is it some kind of fetish?" replied the madam.
"No, I'm just homesick" I said.

Chap goes to a job interview to work for the council. The interviewer asks "Are you allergic to anything?"
"Yes, caffeine" replies the jobseeker.
"Are you disabled in any way?" continues the interviewer.
"Yes, I was in the army and was caught in a explosion that blew my testicles off" says the candidate a little nervously.
"OK, you're hired. Congratulations! The hours are eight 'til three, but you can start each day at ten."
"Why ten?" asks the puzzled new employee.
"This is a council job and for the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b****cks, so there's no point in you coming in!"


A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service at the crematorium chapel as all the doctors from the hospital and other mourners sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist!'.

The minister fainted!

[Tony C]

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

Cheers Tony

[briwy]

Excellent.
Cost a fortune though, especially when you trade it in for a later model.

[Muzorewa]

Statisically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

But 1 in 3 hills are steep....

[Ian]

I thought 7-Up was a drink. But then I met Snow White.....

[Muzorewa]

Don't play this at work - or in front of young kids..... http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=510_1344196881

[helen&tony]

Hi
CLASSIC!!!!!!!
Cheers
Helen