Bongo Fury

Dad loves his new Ipad - http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

I bought a new sofa from the local furniture store yesterday.
The guy said you have nothing to pay until 2015.
Shock Horror when the B*****D came to my door at ten past eight that night asking for payment.

I received a bill yesterday from British Gas stating that my bill was outstanding.
So I phoned them up to thank them and ask them when I was going to get my certificate?

9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing, but about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

A man wants a penis extension.
The doctor suggests having a baby elephants trunk stitched on and the man agrees.
Six weeks later, while having dinner with a new woman, the man feels an unusual stirring in his pants.
He's delighted, thinking his giant manhood is now ready for action.
But then his willy suddenly flies out and steals an apple off the table.
"wow!" says the woman. "can you do that again?"
"my willy can," the man replies. "but I don't think my bottom can take another apple."

My mate set me up with a blind date,he said she is a lovely girl but I have to tell you she is expecting a baby.
I felt a right prat waiting in the pub with only a nappy on.

Just got one of those text offers about a new Westend play all about Elvis, it's a chance to win a cash prize or tickets for the show,

I don't know if I'm going to press............................ 1 for the money, or 2 for the show

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
 

Lovin the poem. Funny one. Would like to share on my Facebook page if ok with you?

No problem at all,posted on there my self.a friend sent me it earlier.

Neat.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Gove rnments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

If we gave blind people pointed white sticks, would there be less litter in britain.

I went out with a chinese girl last week, we went back to my place later and got smoochy, I said " hey love fancy a 69" she said " I'm not blooding cooking at this hour"

Bought a pair of trousers online, special offer it said 70% off, they came today, no bleeding legs