Bongo Fury

I was on Mastermind last week and my specialist subject was Manchester United.
John Humphreys said
"Question one; Which Man U player is known as the Welsh Wizard"
I answered "I couldn't say"
He said "Correct - Question two........................"

WARNING........Don't join the new Tesco Dating Service......you could end up with a bag 4 life.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Larry?” “No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What's the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?” Larry quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. “Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.” Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ......”

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both gobefore an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason
why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.' The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel , 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.'

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and worked out all the tricks. He then started shouting during each show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.



They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...





"OK, I give up. Where's the f****in' ship?"

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM












Answers:


1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested
for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd
like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I
want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others
of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court on
Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you
do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up
drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do
it? "

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like
this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your
brain before drugs and the
small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to
the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up
drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage
to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I
drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the
little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before
prison..................

A teacher asks the class to name things that end in 'tor' and that eats things.
The first little boy say's
'Aligator'
"Very good thats a big word"
The second boy say's
'Predator'
"Yes thats another big word" say's the teacher. Well done children.
Little Johnny say's
'Vibrator' miss.
After nearly falling off her chair she say's, "thats a very big word but it does'nt eat anything"
Puzzled, Johnny shouts
"Well my mum has one and she say's it eats f**k**g batteries like there's no tomorrow!...

Shifting her knees slightly....

she moved forwards then backwards....

forwards then backwards....

back and forth..

back and forth..

The more she did this

the louder my sighs! Before finally, she screamed..
" I can't park this fu*k*ng car, you do it you smug bas**ard!!

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?' Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'

Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God ...

I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

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After a visit to the brothel, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctors.

"That's serious" says the doctor.

"You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says the man worriedly.

"Well" says the doctor

"You've got brothel sprouts."

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Heart-Warming Lawyer Story.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place.................




The grass is almost a foot high"

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Never lose your grandson.........

My small grandson got lost at the mall, he approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" "The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels And Women With Big Tits."

Rupert Murdoch has said that he is very moved by the messages of sympathy that have been left on Amy Winehouse's 'phone.

Two irish council workmen in the street, one started digging a hole and when he finished the other filled it in, they moved on ten paces and started again, one dug the hole then the other filled it in, this went on all day, up one side of the street then down the other. Finally one of the residents could stand it no longer and went onto them and asked them what the hell they were doing. " ah beggora surr, its like this" said the digger, " usually there are three of us in da team but Paddy who drops the trees in da hole went sick this morning".

Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal
Commission for Political Correctness announced today that
the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as


'British Weather'


Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'


( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )

.....

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinaman and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs ?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are p*ssing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about sh*t on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me replied the Chinese man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn to chase chicks, drink p*ss, and listen to bull-sh*t'