Bongo Fury

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, little man, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother
agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up
appeared that said:
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'You've got Male!'

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me... The idiot makes his own lunch."

Police Flags

The police have a new way of punishing bad drivers.
If you are seen driving stupidly you must display a white flag with a red cross on it.
If you drive really badly you have to display two.

timjonz wrote:Police Flags

The police have a new way of punishing bad drivers.
If you are seen driving stupidly you must display a white flag with a red cross on it.
If you drive really badly you have to display two.

Got a text the otherday same idea..

It was for a research company looking for men with small willy's, they are asking the men to identify themselves by displaying a white flag with a red cross on it.

Imagine you are in Primark, queuing in single file.

The girl in front of you doesn't have her purse. To your dismay, you notice that you don't have your purse either.

A solution is that your friend further back in the queue is offering to throw her purse to you. You can't queue jump until the purse has been thrown.

Once the purse has been thrown you can quickly dodge the lass in fornt of you and confront the girl at the till.

Thats right girls...the offside rule in a language that you understand. Now don't interupt me for the next four weeks asking stupid questions!

Paddy and Seamus are walking along a country road when they come across a roadside grave stone.

Bowing their heads and removing their hats in respect Paddy says, "Will you look at this, yer man was 127 when he died".

Seamus says, "That's amazing, what was his name"?

"Miles, from London".

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"

Q. How does a kiwi find his sheep in long grass?

A. Quite Pleasant

You got a downer on New Zealanders Kirsty ?



(Can't say I blame you!)

Whats the kiwi's idea of safe sex?

Spray painting red x's on the sheep that kick.

dave_aber wrote:You got a downer on New Zealanders Kirsty ?

Kirst? Downer? Whatever makes you think that Dave?

Naah or should that be Baaaah?
Should be careful what I say though, don't want anyone getting too excited

Apple Corporation announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between 399 to 599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Jokes For The Realist . . . .


Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
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Policeman: Knock, knock.

Woman: Who's there?

Policeman: The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
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There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell.

Eventually they all starved to death.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape the Nazis.
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A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
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Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
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What do you call a cat with no tail?

A manx cat.
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Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
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How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.
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Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
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Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."

The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidize her drug habit."
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Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?

Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.
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How can you tell when an Essex girl wants sex?

She displays signs of arousal, such as enlargement of the clitoris and swelling of the labia.
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What's the difference between a rotwieller and a poodle?

There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.
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What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?

A mule.
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A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.

However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.
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What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.