Bongo Fury

A mate of mine has had a fifty pound note tattoed on his willy.
So the next time his wife wants to blow fifty quid they can stay at home.

Cliff Richard is on tour in China. After one of his shows a fan comes up to him and says " I ruv you Criff. You my flavourite singer".

Cliff asks him what is his favourite song.

"Flavourite song is Itchy Sore Fanny!"

Cliff is a bit embarassed and tells him, "sorry, that's not one of mine."

"Yes it is", says the fan. "Itchy sore fanny how we don't talk any more........"

I dreamt I was writing 'The Lord of Rings'. When I woke up, I realised I'd been Tolkien in my sleep.

Here's one for all cat lovers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_biZ8b2R0DA

Following Brutus' turncoat attack on Caesar, an incredibly enormous state funeral was held.

The body lay in state in the Colliseum for several days as tens of thousands of mourners trooped past.

There was, however, much debate within the family as to the appropriate disposition of the body -- and each member of the family, in secret from the others, approached the Director of the Empire Funeral Service ("No Gladiator too Small For Us") with instructions on how the Memorial and final Disposition should take place.

Thus it was, on the last day, when his Chariot took that last, long ride to the graveyard, that the funeral director approached the family.

"The pyre is ready, your Highnesses."

"What pyre? We come to bury Caesar, not to braise him," came the reply.

George Cloony is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter...it's called..

'Oh she's eleven'

My Missus told me to buy something to make her look sexy....................................

So I bought myself 12 cans of lager.

fairy liquids famous adds have been updated to reflect a modern Britain

the little girl says- " mum why are your hands so soft"

mum replies -"cos im'e only 14 , now shut up and eat yer pot noodle before yer dad gets home from school"

handyman wrote:George Cloony is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter...it's called..

'Oh she's eleven'

STUTTERING CAT

Definitely a Dog Lovers story………..


Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”


The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident..


'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'


'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.



'It sure was,' said the little girl.



'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but
before she could say 'F***Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback.

"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.

I admire you for your honesty.

Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all."













(I know what you are thinking, you dirty-minded lot!)












(But you would be wrong!)

















"My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of
Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker
tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped
home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for
just £100.'

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They
come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to
ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back
some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the
elderly'.

The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried
here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take
that chance.'

AN IRISH BLOND IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes !'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.


The man replied,

'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'....... I just lost it.'!!!



'CASE DISMISSED!!'

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!