Bongo Fury

Two druggies had snorted some curry powder by accident. They are both in hospital - one's in a korma and the other has a dickie tikka

(I'm just making a Korma to have when I get back from work !)

Reminds me of the two delinquents the police rounded up near us, one had been drinking battery acid and the other had eaten a firework. They charged one and let the other one off.....

Police here picked up a chap who tought he was a set of jump leads. They let him go as he promised not to start anything.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently a funeral director asked me to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-woods.



Since I was not familiar with the back-country, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. The hearse was nowhere in sight; the funeral director had evidently gone. Only the diggers and crew remained, and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to them for being late. I went to the excavation and looked down; the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this homeless man with no family or friends. I played as I've never played before. And as I played “ Amazing Grace ," the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened my car door, one of the workers said, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Women are Much Better Financial Planners than Men:

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father
and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when
his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with
which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her,
but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

...

Three days later, she married the father and became Dan's stepmother

Who's that man ?


After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,
pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before my operation."

Couple of seconds ago:

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.

‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered.
‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers,
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face…
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.

I yelled ‘Now back off!! Or I’ll kick the sh*t out of all of you!’

St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?

‘Just a couple of seconds ago…’

Lesbian:

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, Oi am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. Oi want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients so I do".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy..

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of 3 patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and what about the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had the indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo Murphy! You're good at dis and what about the tird one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, Oi was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a gorgeous young woman bursts in so she does. Loike a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the examination table there, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor..












"Oi put the drops in her eyes so I did."

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top

What's worse than a dog eating your shoe?
A killer whale eating your trainer

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.



It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.



As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital and ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care and he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead... Show me what you bought.'