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[wooden wheel]

Policeman pulls over a speeding car.

The Officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on Cruise Control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs Calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now Don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have Cruise Control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your Radar Detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the Second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The Officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, Dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the FCUK up??'

The Officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

She replies……


'Only when he's drunk!'

[wooden wheel]

Tommy Cooper Classics-

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"

..................................

Bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

.................................

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

[brorabongo]

Same Sex marriage....

Fred and Larry get married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon. So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mum says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mum replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'


He says:
'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue

[daveblueozzie]

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small
knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman
wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.


'All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and
I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in
asking about the goatee.'

[francophile1947]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

[wooden wheel]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the
waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are,
very, very, very slowly?'


The girl leaned over
and said, 'Burrr . gurrr . king'

[francophile1947]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of 'MOUNT & DO'.

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.

[brorabongo]

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD . . .
Below are two birds. Study them closely and see if you can spot which of the two is the female.
It can be done, even by one with limited bird-watching skills!

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[munroman]

Jedward got kidnapped by the UDA , who threatened to burn them to death live on TV unless they got £10 million ransom.

I was in the Bongo when I got caught in a traffic jam, a guy came up to the window, explained that they were collecting for Jedward.

I asked what people were giving, he said " normally about a gallon"!

[wooden wheel]

Ed and Anne met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Anne to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.

Ed became convinced that Anne was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Anne to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf. I read about golf. I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Anne took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added. "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

[handyman]

Two nuns are being raped down a country lane.

The first nun say's' "Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

The second nun shouts

"WOOOOOHOOO! this f**K*R does!!!

[brorabongo]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl said "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The b*****d used coins!"

[brorabongo]

You know your getting old when......

Whislt watching a porn movie you think to yourself.........that bed looks comfy.

[handyman]

On hearing her elderly Grandfather had died, Katie went to see her 98 year old Grandmother.

When she asked how he died, gran replied

" he had a heart attack during Sunday morning sex".

Katie was aghast at her grandparents risking thier lives making love.

"Oh no "said Gran, "we do it to the church bells nice and slow,

In on the ding and out on the dong",

she paused to wipe away a tear,

"He'd still be alive if the f**k**g ice cream van hadn't come along!"

[brorabongo]

I bought a deodorant stick today. I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. It said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'

I'm in Casualty at the moment, but at least my farts smell lovely!!!