Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[daveblueozzie]

They now have Viagra sugar.
It stops your biscuit going soft when you dunk it in the tea,
and keeps your cornflakes nice and hard.

[TINCA TINCA]

Hey Thanks for the link to the dictionary. Cheers.

Back to the Titter....read this today....
Treat every problem like a dog...
If you can't eat it or hump it... Piss on it and leave it.

[daveblueozzie]

The priest was booked into a local motel, he said to the receptionist,
I HOPE THE PORNO IS DISABLED IN MY ROOM.
She said, no you perv its normal porn like everyone else's.

[widdowson2008]

The priest was booked into a local motel, he said to the receptionist,
I HOPE THE PORNO IS DISABLED IN MY ROOM.
She said, no you perv its normal porn like everyone else's.

Wierd isn't it, what flicks your switch

[TINCA TINCA]

That made us Titter. Thanks.

[wooden wheel]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f*****g appendix out!"

[Leon King]

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?'






The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?

[brorabongo]

A London lawyer and a Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Edinburgh. The lawyer is thinking that Scotsmen are all 'cloth cap and Wellies' and that he can fool them easily...

So the lawyer asks if the Scotsman would like to play a fun game. The Scotsman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'

As may be expected, this catches the Scotsman attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?' The Scotsman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a £5 note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Scotsman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the Sat-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Scotsman and hands him £500. The Scotsman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep. The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scotsman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'


The Scotsman man reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

[wooden wheel]

Smart A***D Answers Of The Year


The last one is a worthy winner.

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied

5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place
A policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009 'WINNER'

A teacher at a police training college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[brorabongo]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. 'Same,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[wooden wheel]

2 Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house

Paddy picks up a nail and realises it's upside down & throws it away

He carries on doing this untill Murphy says "why are you throwing the nails away ?"

"Because they're upside down" says Paddy

" You daft bugger " replies Murphy



"Save em for the ceiling"

[rwill19050]

The doctor put me on Prune Juice and Viagra.
Now I don't know if I'm coming or going

[lekistyx]

What does DNA stand for ? National dyslexic association !!!

[lekistyx]

A little old lady walks into a chemists and asks the chemist if he has something to pep up her lovelife , as her husband was having problems keeping aroused. The chemist explained about viagra and how it worked to her . Goodness me she said , and you can get it over the counter , yes replied the chemist , if I take two!!!

[francophile1947]

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has".
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on
top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."


So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"