Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[scanner]

The wifes knickers have a label that says NEXT.

My wife's say C & A

Mine's says "Gap" - no "Mind the" though, just "Gap".

[daveblueozzie]

The wifes knickers have a label that says NEXT.

My wife's say C & A

Mine's says "Gap" - no "Mind the" though, just "Gap".

mine are blessed their holy.

[alant54]

My wife doesn't wear knickers....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Now where did I put the key to the chastity belt....?....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Could have been worse..................I could have mislaid the keys to the Bongo.....
.
.
.
.
sorry for lowering the tone.....

Alan

[shuttle]

Went to night school last night to learn how to make animals with balloons ,
teacher was very impressed with my first attempt of an eel.

[francophile1947]

Are these people the best brains in Britain? - these are allegedly true examples

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Richard: He makes bread . . ..
Contestant: Er .. ......
Richard: He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er... .... ...
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

[shuttle]

A chap in my nearest town is selling cheap marijuana,if you want some give him a ring on your mobile and when answered press the hash key!!!!!!!!!!!

[karena]

[David Edwards]

I bought some new aftershave yesterday, it's called breadcrumbs apparently birds love it.

[wonkanoby]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTyw6cq86kY

made me smile

[francophile1947]

Positive proof of global warming

http://www.toilette-humor.com/images/global-warming.jpg

[David Edwards]

I went to the zoo today and saw a sliced loaf in a cage, was confused till |I read the sign.."Bread in captivity"

[brorabongo]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner. The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?"

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroond'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was a effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc....wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really Nae big secret. The water does bugger all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

[brorabongo]

Boy, those Italians can sure put their machines on a tilt!!


Rossi





Fabrizio





Biaggi



Schettion

[francophile1947]

Two builders (Steve and Jeff) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Steve: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Jeff: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Steve: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Steve: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Steve: - Er ..... Mmm ... Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a Pond. Which is it?

Steve: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Steve: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Steve: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... Built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Steve: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Steve: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Steve: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Steve: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Steve: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Jeff: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Jeff: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a w**ker

[scanner]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.