Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)
Moderator: Bob
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wooden wheel
- Bongolier
- Posts: 211
- Joined: Sun Nov 26, 2006 7:04 pm
- Location: Liverpool
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
My racing snail is not winning any races at the moment, so i decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic...it didnt work, if anything it has made him more sluggish.
木の車輪
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
Snooty Hospital Receptionists shouldn't ...
........ mess with old folk.
This can be the result:
An old gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist and was a little distressed to find that the waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
........ mess with old folk.
This can be the result:
An old gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist and was a little distressed to find that the waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
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brorabongo
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 3226
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 5:56 pm
- Location: Brora, Sutherland
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
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roundspoon
- Bongonaut
- Posts: 47
- Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2008 5:34 pm
- Location: this is still Lancashire!!!!
maths through the decades
Teaching Maths in Britain
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something... He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
الانتاج 80 من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something... He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
الانتاج 80 من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
Just a warning about a nuisance that is doing the rounds.
I answered my doorbell to find 2 well dressed and politely spoken women asking what sort of bread I ate.
When I said 'White', they proceeded to lecture me for over half an hour about the benefits of Brown Bread.
It turned out that they were Hovis Witnesses...........
I answered my doorbell to find 2 well dressed and politely spoken women asking what sort of bread I ate.
When I said 'White', they proceeded to lecture me for over half an hour about the benefits of Brown Bread.
It turned out that they were Hovis Witnesses...........
When asked about Western Civilisation, Ghandi said 'that would be a good idea'...
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
This Tory led government is much like a rainbow....
It looks good from a distance, but on closer inspection it has no real substance,
you can see right through it. And its only there because of The Sun!
It looks good from a distance, but on closer inspection it has no real substance,
you can see right through it. And its only there because of The Sun!
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David Edwards
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 4100
- Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2004 6:37 pm
- Location: Aberdare south wales
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
I read a headline in the paper yesterday, it said, " Woman dumped in remote area", I though to myself, well if some woman had a crap on the arm of my sofa I would not pleased at all.
There was a story about a farmer in Devon who had grown a field full of dildos, he said he was having terrible trouble in the field with a gang of feminist squatters.
There was a story about a farmer in Devon who had grown a field full of dildos, he said he was having terrible trouble in the field with a gang of feminist squatters.
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
Topical Joke for today
President Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury.
He greets one,
the patient replies,
Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
great chieftain o' the puddin race,
aboon them a ye take yer place,
painch tripe or thairm,
as langs ma airm.
Obama is confused, he grins and moves on to the next patient,
the next patient responds,
Some hae meat and canna eat,
and some wad eat that want it,
but we hae meat and we can eat,
so let the lord be thankit.
Even more confused, his grin is now rictus like,the president moves to the next patient who begins to chant,
Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous beastie,
oh the panic in thy breastie,
thou needna start awa sae hastie,
wi bickerin brattle.
Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,"is this a phyciatric ward?"
And the doctor says, "no, this is the serious burns unit"
President Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury.
He greets one,
the patient replies,
Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
great chieftain o' the puddin race,
aboon them a ye take yer place,
painch tripe or thairm,
as langs ma airm.
Obama is confused, he grins and moves on to the next patient,
the next patient responds,
Some hae meat and canna eat,
and some wad eat that want it,
but we hae meat and we can eat,
so let the lord be thankit.
Even more confused, his grin is now rictus like,the president moves to the next patient who begins to chant,
Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous beastie,
oh the panic in thy breastie,
thou needna start awa sae hastie,
wi bickerin brattle.
Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,"is this a phyciatric ward?"
And the doctor says, "no, this is the serious burns unit"
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
Aaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!scanner wrote:Topical Joke for today
President Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury.
He greets one,
the patient replies,
Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
great chieftain o' the puddin race,
aboon them a ye take yer place,
painch tripe or thairm,
as langs ma airm.
Obama is confused, he grins and moves on to the next patient,
the next patient responds,
Some hae meat and canna eat,
and some wad eat that want it,
but we hae meat and we can eat,
so let the lord be thankit.
Even more confused, his grin is now rictus like,the president moves to the next patient who begins to chant,
Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous beastie,
oh the panic in thy breastie,
thou needna start awa sae hastie,
wi bickerin brattle.
Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,"is this a phyciatric ward?"
And the doctor says, "no, this is the serious burns unit"
2001-V6-LPG-AFT-black on silver-Imperial Purbeck camper
(Ron miel=honey rum from the Canaries)
(Ron miel=honey rum from the Canaries)
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
Andy Gray
2001-V6-LPG-AFT-black on silver-Imperial Purbeck camper
(Ron miel=honey rum from the Canaries)
(Ron miel=honey rum from the Canaries)
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b0ng0
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
Elephant asks the camel "Why are your breasts on your back?" camel says- "I think that's a very inappropriate question from someone who's dick is on his face!"
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francophile1947
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 11354
- Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2006 6:15 pm
- Location: Norwich
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
Lineswoman Sian Massey's new nickname is 'Just For Men'. She was only used once and the Gray is gone!
John
(Evidence that intelligent life exists in the universe, is that it hasn't tried to contact us)
(Evidence that intelligent life exists in the universe, is that it hasn't tried to contact us)
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
Richard Keys
2001-V6-LPG-AFT-black on silver-Imperial Purbeck camper
(Ron miel=honey rum from the Canaries)
(Ron miel=honey rum from the Canaries)
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DE-OGZ
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
b0ng0 wrote:Elephant asks the camel "Why are your breasts on your back?" camel says- "I think that's a very inappropriate question from someone who's dick is on his face!"
SPOT ON MY LEVEL OF HUMOUR -
brorabongo
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 3226
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 5:56 pm
- Location: Brora, Sutherland
Re: Daily Titter - content warning!
I was sitting on the train this morning and opposite me a really sexy Thai Bird. I thought to myself please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection....but she did.
Old Chinese wise man say: Oral sex make your day but anal sex make your hole weak.
Rolf Harris is to release a 'Aus-Aid' single on Friday to raise funds for the Australian flood victims. 'Why's my Kangaroo drowned sport'
Just bought the game 'Fifa 12' it's great, when the Mrs picks the controller up Andy Gray shouts "Get back in the Kitchen love"
My Grandad said "It's going to be a nightmare this winter with this Flu outbreak"
I said "Tell me something I don't know..."
He replied "Your Nana's arse can take my whole fist!!!"
Old Chinese wise man say: Oral sex make your day but anal sex make your hole weak.
Rolf Harris is to release a 'Aus-Aid' single on Friday to raise funds for the Australian flood victims. 'Why's my Kangaroo drowned sport'
Just bought the game 'Fifa 12' it's great, when the Mrs picks the controller up Andy Gray shouts "Get back in the Kitchen love"
My Grandad said "It's going to be a nightmare this winter with this Flu outbreak"
I said "Tell me something I don't know..."
He replied "Your Nana's arse can take my whole fist!!!"