Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[munroman]

When I was a wee boy, people used to smother me in cream and stick cherries on my head.


It was tough being brought up in the gateau..............................

[Leon King]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scot, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

[munroman]

In connection with the fugitive hunt in Northumberland, Ministers say they sent in the police, instead of the SAS or Paras following an extensive training exercise.

The details of the exercise have been leaked to the press:


The ministers ask the SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police to go into the woods at night and catch a rabbit. This will determine the most suitable organization to catch the fugitive.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

The coppers look at each other and shrug. Back they go. Hours pass. The next morning, they emerge from the woods, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

The coppers nudge the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I confess - I'm a rabbit!"

[daveblueozzie]

MY FIRST TIME.......

The sky was dark.
The moon was high.
All alone just her and I.
Her hair was soft.
Her eyes so blue.
I knew just what she wanted me to do.
Her skin so soft.
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how but I tried my best.
To place my hand upon her breast.
I remember my fear.
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when she did i felt no shame.
As all at once the white stuff came.
At last it was finished.
Its all over now.
My very first time.
MILKING A COW.

Well what else did you think.

[Leon King]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
'You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as a tear rolled down her cheek
and her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck...
Get the f#*k away from me

[wishmaster]

Father Duffy walks into the convent 2 find Sister Mary scrubbing the floor!

Overcome with desire, he lays her on the ground!

As he's sha@@ing her, the Mother Superior walks in!

Horrified, she roars "Sister Mary! Show some respect girl"

Arch your back & keep Father Duffy's bo!!ocks off the wet floor!!

[brorabongo]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to Heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang-out with anyone you want to in Heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang-out with God."

St. Peter Took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented," Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God said, "Ah, Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! :

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension ~
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds ~
3. Most of rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much ~
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust ~
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous! ~"



"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," Replied God, "Hold On,"---->
God went to his 'Celestial-Super-Computer', typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed-out a slip of paper and God read it ~
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours!"

[maxheadroom]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER:


Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man !!!!!

[francophile1947]

Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's £1.50 a minute?

[wishmaster]

Hi sexy...Shut that door behind you and take off your pants!

Get on top of me and do whatever you need to do to satisfy your needs...

I want to hear that all famous 'AHH' when your all done

Lots of love always..

THE TOILET!***

[francophile1947]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

[mister munkey]

Aircraft Maintenance

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only an O level to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget."

[Bob]

Banned Beer Ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l32IqfAz9Pg&NR=1

Links to loads more.

[Leon King]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at
night. So I went to a shrink and told him...'I've got problems. Every time I go
to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me
three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to
see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of
money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that
money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a
bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

[munroman]

From the Daily Mash:


GIANT YORKSHIREMEN FOUND ON HOUSING ESTATE
20-08-10
THINGS the size of a brick shithouse have been spotted roaming a Bradford housing estate.


It's also partial to a little bit of ee ba gum
Eyewitnesses claim that outsized Yorkshiremen have been scavenging in bins and frequenting terrifying purpose-built pubs on bleak patches of wasteground.

Local vermin hunter, Roy Hobbs, said: "I think they're descended from some dreary trade unionists who used to live in a big hole in the ground, but there's been none of them around here for 20 years.

"I've been trying to lure them with free tickets to Emmerdale: The Musical, but they're still a swine to kill.

"Some people say you should mount a sustained campaign of industrial closures, but I prefer just to hit them as hard as I can with a shovel."

Scientists say the infestation is unlikely to spread far as the Yorkshiremen cannot survive easily outside of their county without suffering from Parkinson's Palsy, a tic with causes them to reminisce at length about the Rotherham slagheaps.

Nikki Hollis, a housewife who discovered a Yorkshireman sniffing her coal bunker, said: "I tried scaring it away by banging a tea tray but he just asked me whether I was putting a brew on, because he was spitting feathers."

Hobbs added: "Yorkshiremen are extremely solitary and cannot stand the company of any other creature, even another Yorkshireman, unless they're from the same side of the same street in the same village.

"This means they don't tend to breed very easily, which is one of the main reasons why Britain still exists."