Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

Talk about non-Bongo stuff. BUT KEEP IT CLEAN....there are children watching. Smut, filth, and anything offensive will not be tolerated and removed immediately.

Moderator: Bob

User avatar
mellon man
Bongolier
Posts: 266
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:49 pm
Location: Cwmbran S EAST WALES

Come on England !!!!!!

Post by mellon man » Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:28 pm

England have a friendly match against Iceland next week and if they do well they could go on and have a game against Asda Tescos and Sainsburys he he he .
User avatar
Poohbear
Tribal Elder
Posts: 781
Joined: Thu Apr 07, 2011 6:20 pm
Location: Worcester

Re: Come on England !!!!!!

Post by Poohbear » Thu Jul 03, 2014 2:33 pm

mellon man wrote:England have a friendly match against Iceland next week and if they do well they could go on and have a game against Asda Tescos and Sainsburys he he he .
Probably better if you read the previous jokes before posting to save repeating the same one :)
francophile1947
Supreme Being
Posts: 11354
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2006 6:15 pm
Location: Norwich

Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :

Post by francophile1947 » Wed Aug 06, 2014 8:52 pm

The Queen was visiting Scotland and Alex Salmond called in for a chat.....
H.M.: "How nice to see you Mr Salmond."
A.S.: "Nice to see you Ma'am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I'll be a King?"
H.M.: "No, we don't like that."
A.S.: "Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I'll be a Prince?"
H.M.: .... (thinks).... "No Mr Salmond, I think we should call it a Country."
John
(Evidence that intelligent life exists in the universe, is that it hasn't tried to contact us)
Bob
Supreme Being
Posts: 15255
Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2007 12:54 pm
Location: North Somerset

Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :

Post by Bob » Tue Oct 07, 2014 10:01 pm

philpdr
Tribal Elder
Posts: 717
Joined: Thu May 20, 2010 7:58 pm
Location: Stalybridge

Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :

Post by philpdr » Tue Oct 07, 2014 10:33 pm

Eddie Izzard's Star Wars Death Star Canteen sketch,animated with lego,some bad language.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpfmzfRf8UI
David Edwards
Supreme Being
Posts: 4100
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2004 6:37 pm
Location: Aberdare south wales

Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :

Post by David Edwards » Thu Oct 09, 2014 10:15 pm

I had a strange insect fly through my wimndow into the kitchen and explode today, I think it was a Jihaddy Longlegs.
User avatar
mikeonb4c
Supreme Being
Posts: 22871
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2006 10:49 pm
Location: Living with Mango Bongo in the North West but with a tendency to roam
Contact:

Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :

Post by mikeonb4c » Thu Oct 23, 2014 12:41 pm

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
User avatar
daveblueozzie
Supreme Being
Posts: 5922
Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2007 9:25 pm
Location: North West.

Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :

Post by daveblueozzie » Tue Dec 23, 2014 8:36 pm

Bought the wife, her Christmas present today, A FRIDGE, can't wait for her face to light up when she opens it. :shock: :lol:
Lost without my Bongo.
Gasy
Supreme Being
Posts: 2123
Joined: Thu Apr 11, 2013 5:49 pm
Location: Peterborough

Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :

Post by Gasy » Thu Dec 25, 2014 5:39 pm

just found a present i forgot to give the kids last year,pretty gutted really cause i know they would have loved a kitten.
Gas safe heating engineer / plumber if you need any advice just shout.
scanner
Supreme Being
Posts: 7244
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2007 10:20 pm
Location: Cambs

Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :

Post by scanner » Mon Mar 30, 2015 11:04 pm

I love these church announcements

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-----------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-----------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-----------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-----------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-----------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-----------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-----------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-----------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-----------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-----------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-----------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-----------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-----------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-----------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-----------------
And this one just about sums them all up...

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
scanner
Supreme Being
Posts: 7244
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2007 10:20 pm
Location: Cambs

Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :

Post by scanner » Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:45 pm

A bit of sad news.

The lady in Holland who invented inflatable footwear has just popped her clogs.
philpdr
Tribal Elder
Posts: 717
Joined: Thu May 20, 2010 7:58 pm
Location: Stalybridge

Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :

Post by philpdr » Wed Jun 10, 2015 8:24 pm

scanner wrote:A bit of sad news.

The lady in Holland who invented inflatable footwear has just popped her clogs.
:roll: :roll:
User avatar
BongoBongo123
Supreme Being
Posts: 1670
Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2014 10:14 pm

Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :

Post by BongoBongo123 » Fri Nov 27, 2015 7:40 pm

Gasy wrote:I've seen jesus
Image
Looks more like Chewbacka
User avatar
Bongoplod
Supreme Being
Posts: 3653
Joined: Wed May 09, 2007 7:03 am
Location: Wiggin,Lancyshire.

50 shades of grey.

Post by Bongoplod » Sat Jan 30, 2016 12:32 am

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Brian
Confucious once said " To be fluent in Bongolese is to hold the key to the world!"
Bob
Supreme Being
Posts: 15255
Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2007 12:54 pm
Location: North Somerset

Re: 50 shades of grey.

Post by Bob » Sat Jan 30, 2016 12:50 am

Brilliant, Brian. :lol:

Rum lot in Shepton, and the cider works is closing. :(
Post Reply

Return to “Off Message”