Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

Talk about non-Bongo stuff. BUT KEEP IT CLEAN....there are children watching. Smut, filth, and anything offensive will not be tolerated and removed immediately.

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pippin

Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

Post by pippin » Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:47 pm

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
pippin

The Lone Ranger

Post by pippin » Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:50 pm

The Lone Ranger's Last Request


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.




The Indian Chief proclaims,


"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..




"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse.."


The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed..
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.


She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."


"What is your LAST request???"


The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent.



Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,


Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ...


"BRING POSSE"
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lizard
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Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by lizard » Sat Apr 04, 2009 10:37 pm

You guys most proberley have been warned , as have I. This proscess must stop soon as we have been warned about breaking the written code about frivilous, (excuse the spelling and punchuation) as I have been down the pub, (nice spot of Austraian wine and 6 x beer) about the unnessary spontainous postings. Thees should be in the funny section, no here. So here we go then :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59."

He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday."

He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"




How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?


Pull down their genes!





Once upon a time a man told a small village, "I will buy monkeys for £10 each."

Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.

As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers' efforts slowed, so the man offered them £20 each.

They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to £25.

Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.

The man increased his price to £50, but announced, "Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf."

As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, "My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I'll sell them to you for £35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for £50."

The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Then they had monkeys everywhere...

... but they never saw the man or his assistant again.


And now you understand the workings of the stock market!






In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said 'Yes!' And Woman said 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'. And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double Cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied 'Yes, And super size 'em'. And Satan said 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service and MRSA


THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION


After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.



1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians and French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.



CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.




One day a lion wakes up in a bad mood and summons the other animals in the jungle.

"I want each of you to tell a joke, but I warn you that if anyone of you fails to laugh, I'll kill the one who told it. Let's see, monkey, you will be first."

Shaking with fear the monkey begins, "Two men are in the street and..."

When he finishes, everyone bursts out laughing save the tortoise. "The tortoise didn't laugh!" roars the lion, pouncing on the monkey and ripping him to pieces. Then he orders, "Elephant, you're next."

Cursing through clenched teeth, the elephant begins, "A drunk walks into a bar and..."

When he finishes, all the animals split their sides laughing except the tortoise, who remains impassive. "The tortoise didn't think it was funny!" exclaimed the lion who, seeing that the furious elephant is about to step on the tortoise, kills the elephant with his claws.

By now, everyone wants to murder the tortoise, but nobody dares move. "Now it's your turn, tiger," orders the lion.

The scared tiger begins, "They say that Little Red Riding Hood..."

At that moment, the tortoise falls over laughing. "What's with you?" bellows the lion. "Tiger hasn't finished yet..."

To which the tortoise replies, "The monkey's joke is hilarious!"


Sorry this about but hgave another a pint is mine this another. :?
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

F Zappa
ex25er

Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by ex25er » Sun Apr 05, 2009 9:17 am

Patient: Doctor, I think I'm going deaf.
Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?
Patient: Well, Homer's the stupid fat ba$£@rd and Marge is the one with the blue hair....




Michael Jackson's announced more details on his first two London dates:

Jamie is a nine year old from Wembley and David is a 12 year old from Brixton




Bloke sees a sign outside his local pub saying:

Hand Relief .... £1
Meat pies ...... £2

After driving past it every day for a week, he plucks up the courage to go in.
There's an attractive barmaid behind the bar, so he asks her "are you the one that w@n%$ people off for a quid?".
"Thats me" she replies...
"Ok" says the bloke, "I'll have one of those meat pies you're selling, but make sure you wash your hands first!"
pippin

Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by pippin » Sun Apr 05, 2009 12:19 pm

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.
But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. “Yes, yes he did.”

The old man is much shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”


Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.


Then, finally, she says, “You.”
pippin

Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by pippin » Mon Apr 06, 2009 11:29 am

A young blonde Australian city girl married a farmer and went to live in the country with him.

One day her husband told her a man was coming from the insemination board to make one of the cows pregnant and as he had to go to the market would she show him which cow it was.

So she would know which cow it was he said he had put in a nail above the cows stall.

Later that day the man arrived and she asked him if he was the man who was going to make the cow pregnant and he said he was so she took him off to the cow stalls and when she saw the nail said "this is the one".

Impressed by her confidence the man asked how she was so sure and she told him her husband had put a nail above the door.

The man asked what the nail was for and the girl just shrugged and said



























"I guess it is there for you to hang your trousers on"
tridentlee

Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by tridentlee » Mon Apr 06, 2009 2:05 pm

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy, I hope it does not offend!
An elderly husband leans over and asks his wife 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she said, 'I remember it well.'



'Well,' he said, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'



'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds crazy, but it's a good idea!'



A police officer sitting in the next booth heard them and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself 'I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble'. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by their walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.



The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.



Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.



The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.



After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself 'This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.'



So, as the couple passes, he says to them 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'



Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply. 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
pippin

Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by pippin » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:53 am

One morning, while she was making their breakfast, Harold walked up to his wife, Hette, pinched her on the bottom and said,
“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle.”

Although she thought this was a terrible thing to say, she refrained from responding.

Next morning, Harold woke Hette by squeezing her breast. He said,
“You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”

Hette thought this was unacceptable and had to respond this time.
So she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a strong grip, she said,
“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener and your brother”
pippin

Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by pippin » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:55 am

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters.
She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.
Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she quickly erased it again and proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
pippin

Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by pippin » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:59 am

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Granny. These are modern times. You've got to let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, with her old wrinkled pair on show.
The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.....

The grandmother says, "Loosen up darling. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
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brorabongo
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Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by brorabongo » Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:03 pm

Confucius say: "Man who confuse constipation pills with Viagra, crap in bed."
ボンゴの激怒 pictures
Run your fingers over my Bongo, and I'll run my Bongo over your fingers!! :twisted:
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brorabongo
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Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by brorabongo » Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:03 pm

What did Professor Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?




Nothing..
ボンゴの激怒 pictures
Run your fingers over my Bongo, and I'll run my Bongo over your fingers!! :twisted:
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waycar8
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Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by waycar8 » Wed Apr 08, 2009 5:39 pm

A yorkshire rugby fan is drinking in an manchester bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a
typical yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'


The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Wife beater,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,




'Had him circumcised...'
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mikeonb4c
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Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by mikeonb4c » Wed Apr 08, 2009 6:04 pm

Fred: How do get one over on a seal?

Joe: Dunno - how?

Fred: Cut a circle in the ice and put some Birds Eye peas round it?

Joe: So, how's that work then

Fred: Well you wait for him to come up for a pea, then kick him in the icehole. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Daily Titter - content warning!

Post by bigdaddycain » Wed Apr 08, 2009 6:59 pm

One day these 3 friends went hunting in the forest. As they are walking along they are ambushed by a primitive tribe. They were all taken back to the camp and one by one tied to three separate trees.
Then the "big chief" comes out of his toupee and stares each guy in the face, he then turns to the tribe and says " Death or Bongo".

There is a fierce uproar and the tribe begins to chant " Bongo,Bongo,Bongo!"

The chief then turns to the men and asks the first one "Death or bongo?"

The first man replies " I don't like the sound of death so it will have to be bongo"

So 10 men come out of the tribe and begin to do him up the jacksy.

The chief then turns to the second man and asks the same question.

he replies, slightly hesitant through "bongo"

so 30 men come and do him up the jacksy.

The third man,who is now quite distressed decided that he would rather die than be subjected to this horrible ordeal.

So the chief asks him " Death or Bongo?"

"death!!" he said "I would rather die then have Bongo!!"

The chief then smiled and replied

" so be it, DEATH.........BY BONGO!
ビッグダディケイン RIP Big Bank Hank (Imp the Dimp) 1957-2014
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