Study: 25% of British toddlers know how to use an iPad.

That's nothing. 100% of Chinese toddlers know how to make one.

After my wife suggested having a date night to spice up our marriage, it turned into a disaster with her ending up in tears.

Apparently she meant with each other.

Wayne and Colleen Rooney are naming their new son Klay,
I was really hoping for Macca.

Some bloke came into my petshop earlier. "Can I have a red and green parrot please. I'm going to a fancy dress party on Saturday dressed as Long John Silver and I really want to look the part." I said, "I've not got one in at the moment, but I can get you one here for tomorrow morning...

Used this to mend my roof tent a couple of weeks ago.Very easy to use plus gives a neat result as it's clear,hope this helps.

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/McNett-Tenaci ... 2321b35535

Had the same thing happen to me at the weekend,pump completely dead.Took it back to Andys Imports on way back from campsite.He tried a new pump which also didn't work,feed into pump was ok so he said it was probably an earth problem,so got a new piece of wire and earthed it to the cigarette lighter ...

Can't believe the wife didn't like the souvenir I brought her back from London.

If anyone wants a pair of 'Mind The Gap' knickers then let me know

I phoned my wife today and said, "Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights." "Ooh, why's that?" she asked. I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!" "Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"...

I was shopping in Asda today and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic. I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly kid." He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there." I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't real...

‎"I'm going to show you a trick using these snooker balls, I said to my wife. "This will blow you away."

She said, "What's the sock for?"

1. Take egg out of box
2. Stand in boiling water
3. If at this point you have burnt your feet then quickly seek medical assistance

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

HMV vouchers now being accepted at Tesco.

Just tell them HMV means Horse Meat Voucher.

I pulled my 3-year-old son to play-school in his sledge this morning.

After finally arriving there twenty minutes later, I realised that he was no longer sitting in it.

So I quickly turned the car around and drove the same route back.

Dear Mum, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please...